Treasury Secretary Paulson,
I'm writing you this open letter to apply for bank status so that I may be included in your bailout package. It is clear now that my investment into my 401k has been a reckless and regretful affair. In light of recent institutions also being granted this status, I feel it imperative that this application be approved as soon as possible to better stabilize both my own balance sheet, and the economy at large.
First, my qualifications:
- I hold frustratingly short hours only at times of day that are inconvenient to most people.
- I'm not morally opposed to charging people random fees for any kind of service.
- There is usually a bowl of hard candy and/or lollipops near my place of work at all times.
- I'm awesome at Monopoly.
If approved, I am asking for a mere $1,000,000 to help right my ship. Given that you've been distributing the better part of $2 trillion dollars with little or no transparency, this amount should be both large enough for my needs and small enough for no one on your end to really care.
With this money, I intend on buying many of these toxic, mortgage-backed securities for pennies on the dollar. Then, I plan on stuffing many of the deeds and contracts into envelopes and send them as junk mail to US citizens. Upon reaching their destination they will likely be thrown out or burned in the very homes they were used to help purchase, thus completing the circle of life.
And then, with the left-over $900k, I'm going to give myself a well-deserved $900k bonus for being such a huge success at everything.
I hope you'll consider my application for bank status as both something appropriate and necessary for the continuous function of the American economy. I look forward to your swift reply and, God willing, approval.