Once again, there's yet another "OMG, TEH ECONOMY IS BURNING TO THE GROUND FIXITFIXITFIXIT!!!11!" type emergency. And once again, I've got to figure out a way to do something about it. I'm talking, of course, of the U.S. Automobile industry. The "Big 3" are testifying in front of congress with their hands out for more taxpayer money to keep them afloat.
Now, if I were to take a more reasonable point of view, I would have to agree with most of points Mitt Romney (!) puts forth in his NY Times editorial: high labor costs and a lack of long-term investments (a symptom of poor management) have made Ford, GM and Chrysler unable to compete with other automakers. Only in a controlled bankruptcy and not a bailout can the radical, necessary restructuring of Detroit's backbone occur.
But I'm not in the business of taking a reasonable point of view.
I introduce to you my proposed solution to this problem: Darwinian Capitalism. What I propose is that we take the "Big 3" - employees and all - and have them have a violent, bloody war. Not with guns or any modern weaponry, but Braveheart style: using only medieval weaponry. Now it's not just supply and demand, but survival of the fittest as well.
They may take our lives, but they'll never take... OUR LINEUP OF CARS, TRUCKS AND SUVs!
This will thin the herds until one company can claim victory. The survivors of the remaining two companies will then be forced as slaves to work in the victor's factories. Suddenly, the labor costs are a thing of the past.
How does this address the poor management issue, you ask? Well, they're part of the war too. I would expect them to be casualties in the battle, because if they knew their elbows from their asses we wouldn't be in this mess in the first place. And if they try to weasel their way out of it, you know the companies' own workers will kill their respective CEOs themselves.
FIVE STAR FRONT AND SIDE CRASH SAFETY RATIIIIIIIIIINGS!!!
And you, the taxpayer, benefits from this as well! You better believe that we'll be televising this event. It'll be as cool as 5 superbowls combined, and all the advertising revenue will be given right back into the federal and state budgets. Crisis(es) averted!