Sep 30, 2008

Photoshop Flailing: How to stay in business after the meltdown

Decided to partake in the weekly reader photo submissions at They've asked people to come up with ways companies can stay in business after the financial meltdown, and I've been more than happy to oblige.

The way I see it, you can either substitute cheaper goods, thus reducing the cost of your product...

I bet no one will even know the difference.

Offer less services for the same amount of money...

This freaking thing would still cost $500 and be sold out on launch day.

Or make your product even that much more irresistible.

Great, now it's even MORE addictive.

Click here to continue reading "Photoshop Flailing: How to stay in business after the meltdown"

Sep 29, 2008

Samba de Hell - Sega hates you

It pains me that I've come to this conclusion, but after a few days now with Samba de Amigo I'm left with no alternate explanation: Sega hates you.

Let me explain myself first. Since the 16-bit era, I've been a Sega fanboy. But it seems like once Sega killed the Dreamcast, and Sega turned into a software company, their products took a turn for the worse. No game has since wowed me, and with the exception of Super Monkey Ball (and its sequels), and maybe the Sonic Rushes for the DS, I can't think of any Sega game that has even been worth my time.

Throughout these troubled times, my fanboyism kept thinking of excuses on how this could be. Sega's games were sub-par, but they were at least trying to move things in a new direction, right? Surely, you can't fault them for failing at tinkering with winning formulas in hopes that they becomes winning-er formulas.

Enter Samba de Amigo for the Wii. This was a game that I was really looking forward to as it was one of my favorite games on the Dreamcast. I've put in about 3 hours into it, which is approximately 2 more than any sane human should. It's not that it's completely terrible - it isn't. It's obvious some of the old monkey-maraca magic is there, and I've had fleeting moments of ecstasy playing it.

But the problem lies in the controls. Anything difficulty over Medium is mind-bogglingly asinine. You can't accurately control what's a high-, medium-, or low-shake of the maracas when the beats come at you quickly. You simply can't control your maracas.

It got so bad I had to put the game down because the urge to strangle myself with the wiimote-nunchuck cord was overwhelming.

Seriously, Sega, 1 hour of play testing would have told you this was horrible. Not mediocre, horrible. 1 hour of play testing would have told you that this game should not have been released. Maybe it's a limitation with the controllers, I don't know... but there is no reason this game should have ever been released unless you truly hate your customers.

Which I now suspect you do.

Click here to continue reading "Samba de Hell - Sega hates you"

Sep 26, 2008

MST3K, RiffTrax and you

Mystery Science Theater 3000 was an supremely awesome show. A couple of wise cracking robots and a guy are stuck in space watching the worst movies ever. Of course, they're not content just watching it, and add their own really funny commentary to it. Sounds kinda hokey on paper, but it was truly brilliant.

If you haven't seen it, you need to. There's a lot of episodes hosted right now out on Google Video. Seriously, go watch it now.

And when you're done with that take a gander at RiffTrax, something a friend of mine had alerted me to. It's made by the same people that did MST3K (as well as others), where they have created commentary tracks for current and popular movies. You purchase the mp3s and play them at the same time you'd start the movie.

I've literally just spent about 30 minutes watching their free sample videos. If they're any indication of the quality of the whole 70+ riffs they have out there, I'm definitely going to have to try it out in the not too distant future. I mean, they riff on Raiders of the Lost Ark for crying out loud!

Click here to continue reading "MST3K, RiffTrax and you"

Sep 25, 2008

Kids need more moral fiber to keep their morals regular

A hot-button issue for me in this coming presidential campaign is the decline in morals and virtues among children these days. The news is rife with school shootings, teen pregnancy, and drug abuse. The news scares me, and I want someone make the bad stories disappear. So far, neither candidate has proposed anything in their platforms that will do that.

What I want to see is one of the candidates make sweeping reforms of the schools. Specifically, I want a Wheel of Morality installed in every school:

That way, kids would be dispensed random life lessons necessary for proper moral development. I'm talking lessons like:
  • People in glass houses should get dressed with the lights out.
  • Do not back up. Severe tire damage.
  • If you can't say something nice you're probably at the Ice Capades.
  • Never ask what hot dogs are made of.
I'm not going to explain why, because it's pretty self-explanatory, but this is exactly what kids need and I believe will help get America back on track. If any candidate can promise me a Wheel of Morality in every public school, they will have my vote.

Click here to continue reading "Kids need more moral fiber to keep their morals regular"

Sep 24, 2008

Greetings from the LHC!

So the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) is something that I'm simultaneously excited for, and soiling-myself scared about. Sure, it promises to advance our very fundamental understanding of the universe and could possibly bring a lot of benefits to any number of world industries.

But there's also the chance we're going to wipe out all of humanities existence. After all, we're trying to create a mini big bang here, folks. This is something mankind hasn't witnessed and really doesn't know what to expect. While we've survived a dry run (yay!) on 9/10, we actually start the potential doomsday causing particle colliding sometime in Spring 2009, due to planned winter shutdown and now an equipment malfunction.

Wikipedia, as usual, does a better job of explaining the LHC than I do. Granted many leading scientists claim that the chance of is tolerably low (on the 1 in 50 million order of magnitude), I really would hate to win the unlucky lottery here.

So I whipped out photoshop and made a postcard from the LHC. Enjoy!

Click on the postcard for a higher-resolution version

The joke stems from something that made the reddit rounds, about a guy who was harassing the fleshlight customer service chat function saying he "accidentally a fleshlight". It was frigging hysterical, but I can't seem to find the images anywhere (they seem to be taken down).

FYI: don't look up either fleshlight or "accidentally a fleshlight" while you're at work.

Click here to continue reading "Greetings from the LHC!"

Sep 23, 2008

Choose your own update adventure!

Feck I had a lot to do today, so I never really got around to posting anything tonight as originally planned. Instead, you can choose one or both of the following for your reading/viewing pleasure:

1) A hilariously bad 80's Wendy's rap about burgers and grills:

2) My Toastmaster's speech that I spent a good chunk of this evening writing. It's a persuasive speech meant to convince people that the Paulson $700 billion dollar bailout is a bad idea (hint: It is). You can find it, if you're interested, after the break.

I’m not one to debate politics, but there is one issue right now facing lawmakers that I feel demands our attention. Show of hands, how many people are aware that right now, in light of all that is going on in the credit and mortgage crises, that there is a proposed 700 billion dollar bailout planned? By the end of this speech I hope you’ll agree with me that the current proposed bailout is the wrong way to fix the economy’s woes.

Before we talk about the remedy, let’s take a quick look at the ailment: a lot of expensive mortgages that people couldn’t afford were being written on the assumption they could refinance when their houses went up in value. When the housing bubble this was all predicated on burst, suddenly people are stuck with mortgages they can’t afford and default on them. What were finding out now is that a lot of major financial institutions (which thankfully ING is not among) were highly leveraged with these bad mortgages and it’s causing all sorts of serious liquidity issues in the market as all of this bad debt has to be written off. There’s some additional naked short selling of stocks exacerbating the issue, but that’s it in a nutshell.

So if there’s a credit crunch, a logical step would be to inject liquidity into the market right? On the surface, that sounds like a sound approach. And on the surface, it is. However, it’s the execution of this idea that makes the proposed bailout a bad idea.

The current proposed bailout plan calls for the Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson to use $700 billion dollars of taxpayer money to fix the economy. That comes out to about $2,300 dollars per person - $2,300 of my money, $2,300 of your money, and your money and your money. And with this money of ours, his only directives are to:

“1) providing stability or preventing disruption to the financial markets or banking system and 2) protecting the taxpayer”

These are vague and overreaching goals, with absolutely no definition of what success is for these directives. What are we to measure against? How do we know we used the $700 billion correctly? Especially since it’s my money (yours too) that is being thrown around, I’d like to know how it was used and why it was good it was used that way.

And the oversight on this is negligible: the only requirement Paulson has to report to anyone is a report to Congress 3 months after the act in enacted and semiannually after that. The format and nature of these reports are not even defined in this piece of legislation. Paulson gets to set his own price for the assets that he’ll be purchasing on our behalf, even if we’re purchasing at a premium. And the absolute kicker is, and I’m quoting from the proposed legislation:

“Decisions by the Secretary pursuant to the authority of this Act are non-reviewable and committed to agency discretion, and may not be reviewed by any court of law or any administrative agency.”

Basically Secretary Paulson gets a free pass on whatever he does. He’s not going to be held responsible for any of his actions in the bailout. This is something I’m not comfortable with.

And let’s not forget what kind of message this bailout sends. Without any oversight, and without any accountability in the execution of the bailout, basically we’re saying to corporations “hey, you can screw up, and if you screw up on a large enough scale, we the taxpayers will bail you out”. What incentive does the market have to succeed if the US Government is just going to help it out?

We are in unprecedented times, and I wish I knew the right way out of it. I don’t. But I do know this proposed bailout is not it and I urge you to get involved. Write your congressmen and women and ask them to look into alternatives. At the very least demand accountability. Demand transparency. Demand they not to allow this plan to be enacted. It’s your money – make sure it gets used wisely.

Click here to continue reading "Choose your own update adventure!"

Sep 22, 2008

Samba de Amigo

I have to admit, I'm a sucker for rhythm based video games. There's just something about the genre, that when you get into it - I mean, really into it - it's almost like the controller in your hands dissolves away and you're just outputting pure rhythm. When that happens, the part of my brain that controls pure joy is activated to unhealthy levels.

This is why I'm super excited for Samba de Amigo coming out for the Wii on Tuesday. Samba de Amigo was a game that, back in the Dreamcast's heyday, I couldn't get enough of. It's infectious blend of songs and light-heartedness belied a very addictive game with a lot of depth and replayability. The whole premise was that you would shake maracas in time with songs. Lacking the maraca controllers (like I did), even hitting the right combinations of buttons on the Dreamcast controller was a blast.

Gearbox Software, who are not the original Sonic Team that made the Dreamcast game, hope to recreate and improve upon the Dreamcast version, using the Wii's remove and nunchuck as maracas. Couple that with additional downloadable songs, an online leaderboard and a songlist that is over twice what the Dreamcast game was... well, I'm pretty excited.

I just hope they can pull it off. So far, the early reviews of the game say that there are problems with the controls at higher difficulties. I guess I'll find out for myself on Tuesday.

Click here to continue reading "Samba de Amigo"

Sep 19, 2008

The internet on hard mode

This will help.
The below is a link to really screw with your browser. It starts you off at Google's homepage, but your screen is shaking it left and right constantly. Browse like you would normally... it renders most everything perfectly, though I do know it can't handle flash video and doesn't play nice with YouTube.

Get ready for headaches and eyestrain! Well, more headaches and eyestrain than usual, at least. This is the internet on hard mode.

From a technical perspective, I'm really curious how this was created. I have no idea how to get the browser to shake like that, and I wonder if you could get it to do any other tricks. Like move in random directions, or map it to mouse movement (how cool would that be?).

Also, the browser's url and titles are hijacked and never change. Yet every page I visit acts like it would (except for the flash video/youtube issue mentioned above)... even when I go to look at the source code of some really simple pages like has the large hadron collider destroyed the world yet show that the title of the page shouldn't be "the disagreeing internet".

Looking at the page source code and spending about 15 minutes of searching online haven't yielded any insight. Anyone out there have an idea?

Click here to continue reading "The internet on hard mode"

Sep 18, 2008

TF2 Comic: Based on a true story

Using Garry's mod, I decided to make a TF2 comic based on something that actually happened to me this past weekend.

Apologies if there are any brightness/lighting issues... this was waaayyy more time consuming than I had originally thought it would have been, and I'm certainly still no expert at Garry's Mod. After many tries, and being more nit-picky than I had ever thought I could be, I settled on the below. I have a new found respect for people who can create comics (drawing them or otherwise) on a regular basis.

Click the image for the high-res version.

Click here to continue reading "TF2 Comic: Based on a true story"

Sep 17, 2008

John McCain gets Barackroll'd

Ahh, the lighter side of politics... you know, the side that people completely fabricate.

Ok, the side that people completely fabricate and actually make you laugh.

OK, OK, the side that people completely fabricate and actually make you laugh on purpose.

Listen, just watch this video:

Click here to continue reading "John McCain gets Barackroll'd"

Sep 16, 2008

Shotgun blast of content 3: This time, it's personal

Every so often I have a bunch of little odd ends and thoughts I can't otherwise flesh out into a post. So, to fit several square pegs into a round hole...

  • Looking over the site's statistics when I had my 100th post, I took note of what keywords were directing people to my site. A certain fair-haired forensics boss from the Miami police department is far away the biggest draw to this site, followed by queries of The Unwind.

    For those of you who got here by some odd query (like "philosophical questions like 'if a tree falls in a forest does it make a sound?'"), let me welcome you to The Unwind... We're always here to disappoint!

  • I think I want to see what other odd keywords I can get to attract hapless individuals valued readers. When I can get people to come to The Unwind for extreme underwater basket weaving, I know I've got it made!

  • That last bullet point contained a reference to one of my favorite web comics out there, Wasted Talent. Penned by Angela Melick, it's a very random outlook on events as seen through the eyes of a Canadian female engineer. Yes, Canadian female engineers are real, and they're pretty darn funny too.

    You may need to have been swimming in the deep end of these here internets to fully appreciate it, but I highly recommend you check it out.

  • There's going to be a new animated Space Balls series on G4 later this month. I'm... surprisingly speechless.


Click here to continue reading "Shotgun blast of content 3: This time, it's personal"

Sep 14, 2008

TF2 Achievement Generator

Thanks to 1Fort, I came across a TF2 achievement generator. You too can create your own achievements to pretend you'll mindlessly farm unlock. It's pretty comprehensive... you can create locked, unlocked, and progress achievements; you can use logos right from the game, or import your own. It's pretty cool, and definitely worth a look see.

Here are a few I whipped up:

Click here to continue reading "TF2 Achievement Generator"

Sep 12, 2008

Traveling Munchies Radio Podcast

A couple of my friends over at Traveling Munchies asked me to join them in an episode of Traveling Munchies Radio. For those not in the know, Traveling Munchies Radio is grown men talking inappropriately seriously about snack food.

If you like monkeys, pumpkins or pound cake, or if you'd just like to hear my voice in cell-phone quality, you should check it out! It's... entertaining, at very least.

Click here to continue reading "Traveling Munchies Radio Podcast"

Beijing Olympic Card Stack

This video is way overdue, having been shown it by a friend during the Olympics. Still, it's really unbelievable how close the card-stacked replicas of the Beijing Olympic Stadiums are to the real things.

Click here to continue reading "Beijing Olympic Card Stack"

Sep 10, 2008

100th post!

Acheivement Unlocked!

Not really going to post much today, and just take a step back to reflect on the milestone. Part of me can't believe I've made it this far. Now part of me wonders if I'll ever stop.

FUN FACT: From the time I started tracking statistics on this site (May 9th) to now, 1,301 people have visited this site from 43 different countries. But it's the awesome set of friends and coworkers that continue to give feedback, ideas and support that I value most. You've all been laughing along with me this whole time.


Click here to continue reading "100th post!"

Sep 9, 2008

Death Race: The Condensed Version

UPDATE: Rod Hilton responded that he read the script and liked it, though he already had decided to go with someone else. I've changed the title of the post per his request, as "The Abridged Script" is his trademark. Sorry about that Rod!

One website that I peruse from time to time, The Editing Room, recently asked people to write guest scripts. There were rules and restrictions and whatnot on how that whole process is supposed to work, but I went ahead and decided to write a script anyway.

In what will either be an audition for or an homage to The Editing Room, depending on whether or not it's read by Rod Hilton (Hi Rod!), I present to you Death Race: The Condensed Version. The rest of it can be found after the break.

"Time circuits on. Flux Capacitor... fluxxing. Engine running. All right!"



A montage of clips from a factory that apparently ONLY MAKES SPARKS attempts to demonstrate that JASON STATHAM can hold down a decent job outside of a TRANSPORTER MOVIE. To the surprise of no one, JASON STATHAM loses this job as the SPARKS FACTORY CLOSES. The police come to beat up the evil factory workers who are picking up their last paychecks.


Honey, I'm home. I've lost my job, went out and got in a fight.

It's ok, we'll be all right. You're a good man.

Seriously? Were you listening to me at all?

Sorry, I was forced to say that because you'll be committing unspeakable acts later in this movie and the audience needs to know who's the good guy. Go upstairs and I'll fix you a Pabst because we're going all out tonight.

A MASKED MAN kills JANAYA STEVENS and frames JASON STATHAM in a scene that is designed to give the movie a PLOT.


Prison warden JOAN ALLEN arranges a meeting with JASON STATHAM.

So I hear you need something transported.

What? No. Wait, were you told this was Transporter 3?

If it isn't, then get me the hell out of here.

Now you're talking. What I have here is a Death Race and the most popular driver, Frankenstein, died. Despite no mention of it prior, you're a very very good driver. If you wear his mask, pretend to be him and win you'll get your freedom. Are you interested?

I don't follow...

*sigh*, I need something transported.

JASON STATHAM agrees to participate in the DEATH RACE, and meets his CREW.

I'm the boss of this crew because I'm the only one with a decent career. You can call me Coach. Here's your car.


This is it? You basically outfitted the Gadget-mobile with guns.

And armor plating!


Despite the fact that I'm pretty sure I killed him earlier in this movie, I've got a personal vendetta against Frankenstein.

What the heck is this? The frigging title is called "Death Race" and we haven't seen anything cool since the opening scene. Can we get deaths and the racing we were promised already?


The drivers of the race are introduced to their HOT FEMALE NAVIGATORS, with the exception of TYRESE GIBSON's, because his navigators ALWAYS DIE. The AUDIENCE WAKES UP.

A KICK-ASS game of MARIO KART breaks out only with more GUNS and EXPLOSIONS and less BLUE KOOPA SHELLS.

TYRESE GIBSON's NAVIGATOR gets THROWN out of a TRUCK and DIES. A few of the contestants DIE in the RACE.



The man who killed my wife is conveniently in this race. I'm going to go kill him.


ANOTHER game of MARIO KART happens with the remaining participants. TYRESE GIBSON's NAVIGATOR dies. JASON STATHAM gets out of his GADGET-MOBILE to kill his wife's murderer with his BARE HANDS and not the guns mounted to his car. Because he is SMART.

Suddenly the DREADNAUGHT, that level's boss, appears. The DREADNAUGHT has multiple TANK TURRETS stuffed inside a heavily armored OIL RIG and uses TESTOSTERONE as a FUEL SOURCE. It proceeds to kill everyone except JASON STATHAM and TYRESE GIBSON.

Hey Tyrese, how about we play a little offense?

Holy shit, you can talk!

JASON STATHAM and TYRESE GIBSON proceed to pass the DREADNAUGHT slowly while the DREADNAUGHT'S gunners forget how to hit cars with its MASSIVE FIREPOWER. The two manage to flip the DREADNAUGHT and are BFF for the rest of the race.


I need you to make a modification to the car. Think you can install a plot device?

Umm, how about a half-tank of gasoline?

That'll do.

JASON STATHAM then talks with TYRESE GIBSON, who are suddenly not BFF anymore and a bomb is installed in JASON STATHAM'S car by a PRISON GUARD.


TYRESE GIBSON'S vehicle are now mounted with MISSLES. ROUND 3 of MARIO KART occurs, with only TYRESE GIBSON and JASON STATHAM left. TYRESE GIBSON fires his MISSLES at the wall and blows a hole where JASON STATHAM and he attempt to escape.

JOAN ALLEN attempts to blow up the BOMB on JASON STATHAM's car, but it was conveniently uninstalled by IAN McSHANE. POLICE CARS chase the pair down the only narrow bridge off the island.


JASON STATHAM drops his half-tank of GASOLINE, which hits one POLICE CAR that immediately explodes and the rest to crash into it in a SINGLE FILE LINE. This gives the two their THIRD STAR WANTED LEVEL and the HELICOPTERS are called in. The HELICOPTERS kill TYRESE GIBSON's NAVIGATOR.

The two split up, and TYRESE GIBSON drives away unnoticed in his heavily armored DEATH TRUCK. JASON STATHAM jumps out of a speeding vehicle UNNOTICED and UNHARMED. JASON STATHAM'S NAVIGATOR pretends to be FRANKENSTEIN and gets caught.

JASON STATHAM and TYRESE GIBSON become BFF again and catch a train to Mexico. JASON STATHAM'S NAVIGATOR eventually shows up too. The AUDIENCE has already left at this point.


Click here to continue reading "Death Race: The Condensed Version"

Sep 8, 2008

Trust me, I'm a doctor

It's not often I get requests to write about particular topics here at The Unwind, and it's even rarer that I accept them. But when I was asked to explore the "[x-1] out of [x] [experts] agree" tagline used by countless products today by a coworker, I couldn't resist.

"4 out of 5 dentists approve..."
Which dentists? Are the 4 dentists any good? Is that lone dissenter the voice of reason against the other incompetent dentists? What about the next 5 dentists? Maybe those next 5 all realize that the product causes cancer. It certainly would have been good to know before I bought that asbestos-bristled toothbrush.

"9 out of 10 doctors agree..."
Fantastic! Are the agreeing doctors in related fields? Or even in relevant fields? I honestly don't care if a proctologist recommends Tylenol over Advil, because he better be giving me something a bit stronger than that both during and after a procedure.

And what's to say that these are even doctors of medicine and nothing totally irrelevant like philosophy or theology? Oh yeah, that creepy professor from your local community college totally thinks that Trojan condoms are the best... he recommends them to all his students!

"4 out of 5 experts think the 5th expert is stupid"
Now that's a statement I can get behind.

Click here to continue reading "Trust me, I'm a doctor"

Hole in the wall

Saw a sneak peek of the Fox show "Hole In The Wall" today, and oh man is it awesome. Or horrible. I can't tell which. The basic idea of the show is that there is a wall coming at players with holes in it they have to squeeze through. If they aren't able to get through, the wall knocks them into a pool of water behind it.

Doing a little research, I found that this was originally a Japanese game show also by the same title. To get an idea of what this show is like, take a look at the embedded videos of the Japanese version after the break.

I'm honestly kinda looking forward to it for reasons I can't yet fully explain myself.

Click here to continue reading "Hole in the wall"

Sep 5, 2008

Photoshop Flailing: and a request

Decided to bust out the ol' Photoshop and whip up a few pictures. My topic was for the weekly reader submission, who wanted to know what it would take for network televisions to increase viewership. My submissions (thusfar) are below, click on any of them for a higher resolution picture.

The obvious way, to me at least, is to get right in front of the viewer:


This one is likely to put a smile on your face.

Why so serious?

A reality show based on Keith Richards' life? Sign me up!

In the season finale, we discover he's been dead for 12 years.

And this one isn't for Cracked, but rather my friends over at Traveling Munchies:

Animal Crackers!

Click here to continue reading "Photoshop Flailing: and a request"

Sep 4, 2008

The Legend of Neil 6

This is the (as of now) final installment of The Legend of Neil, where Neil finally gets through level 1. As always, it's NSFW and really really good.

Thanks effin funny for a great series and effectively ruining any hope I have of a fond memory of Zelda.

Click here to continue reading "The Legend of Neil 6"

The Unwind Text Adventure

I was talking with a coworker today, and we started talking about what was the oldest browser we could post on Blogger with. Somehow out of this line of conversation I found the inspiration to do an old-fashioned text adventure game style post. I just kinda ran with the idea, and somehow came up with the below. Hope it makes for a good read!

You can find the rest of it after the break.

Welcome to The Unwind Text Adventure Game! You find yourself in a room with a computer.

] Look around room.

The room is dimly lit, with electronics and clothes strewn about the floor. You are alone, staring intently at a blank computer screen.

] Talk to nearby person.

There is no one in the room.

] Good, watch porn.

This is a text adventure.

] Fine, blog.

What would you like to blog about?

] Blog about ideals.

You've already attempted to watch porn this game. Your ideals are severely compromised.

] Shut up.

Unknown command.

] Blog about nonsense.

You begin to blog about nonsense, but your character suffers from writer's block. Please remove writer's block from your character before continuing.

] Procrastinate.

How would you like to procrastinate?

] Watch porn.

Seriously, stop it.

] Fine, watch television.

It's 3 AM, and Ron Pompeil is hawking his latest merchandise, the Showtime Rotisserie and Solid Flavor Injector.

] Determine comedic value of products.

The Showtime Rotisserie can be set and forgotten, but the Solid Flavor Injector is both hysterical and disturbing.

] Remember solid flavor injector.

You make a conscious effort to remember the solid flavor injector.

] That's what she said.

Again, you are alone in the room.

] Watch p-

Don't even say it.

] Fine, blog about nonsense.

You are still suffering from writer's block. You cannot blog until you remove writer's block.

] Blog about Solid Flavor Injector.

You come up with a hilarious, but off-color, joke involving the Solid Flavor Injector, a couch and the corpse of Ralph Macchio. It makes for a great opening paragraph.

] Wait, Ralph Macchio's dead?

His career is, yes.

] Google Ralph Macchio.

Unknown command.

] Search internet for Ralph Macchio.

Ralph Macchio isn't currently in the internet.

] Facepalm.

Unknown command.

] Change channel on television.

You see a rerun of The Hills. In this episode, Whitney tells Lauren she'll be leaving for New York tomorrow. It's sudden, but Whitney looks excited, whilst Lauren looks a bit shocked. Then Whitney asks about Doug -


The television is now off.

] Roll a save against my sanity.

18 - Congratulations! Your exposure to The Hills has left your sanity somewhat in tact.

] Define "somewhat".

You don't want to know.

] Yes I do, I just asked.

...said the crazy person.

] Status of current blog post.

Your post consists of an opening paragraph with the hilarious, but off-color, joke about the Solid Flavor Injector, a couch and the corpse of Ralph Macchio.

] Screw it! Copy and paste the introduction paragraph 12 times.

Your blog post now consists 12 identical paragraphs with the hilarious, but off-color, joke about the Solid Flavor Injector, a couch and the corpse of Ralph Macchio.

] Add random YouTube clip, submit post and go to sleep.

Congratulations! You've successfully completed The Unwind Text Adventure game!

Click here to continue reading "The Unwind Text Adventure"

Sep 3, 2008

FEMA for kidz rap... seriously


The stupidity of it all is seriously off the charts. Since Hurricane Katrina, FEMA's public opinion hasn't exactly been stellar. Of course, FEMA decides that the way to fix this is to create a rap song targeted at kids. I would have instead fired those responsible for the mishaps and beefed up it's ability to respond, but what the hell do I know.

It's a really, really bad rap song too. The lyrics of which are posted at the above link. Mitigation? What kid knows of that word? And how fugging depressing is it when the whole point of your song is (essentially) live in constant fear of natural disasters and oh, by the way, we're here to help.

And don't even get me started on the music. Don't bother downloading the song, it's just a drum loop from a cheap Casio electronic keyboard with the occasional ambient instrument while some uninterested guy talks over the lyrics. When I heard it, and after I ripped my ears off of my skull, I realized that Shatner could have done a better job of it all. Without music. And he wouldn't have made me hate FEMA as much in the process.

And how about the fact that it's encoded in Real Audio? So that you need to use RealPlayer to listen to it? 1995 was a long time ago, fellas. The quality on this this is horrible to boot. Kids are going to be turned off from this simply because it sounds like it was recorded underwater. The mental image I just got of the "singer" drowning while recording this song is eerily comforting.

And the site itself is offensive. That bright yellow background requires sunglasses to view pain-free. Was this site done by the same people who made Phillup Douchebag's D. Bag's website?

Click here to continue reading "FEMA for kidz rap... seriously"

Sep 2, 2008

I thought he told us that he wouldn't stop...

Normally, I don't care one way or another about celebrities in the news. They're job is to entertain us, and nothing more. I don't care when they speak out politically. I don't care what they think of world affairs. I don't care about what charities they're helping out (though I do support charity work in general).

But this just made me laugh:

Diddy apparently cannot afford to fly his personal jet due to the high price of gas. Instead, he's upset that he's forced to fly first class in a commercial jet. His having to fly commercial, in his eyes, is "proof gas prices are too high" and that we have to "[t]ell whoever the next president is we need to bring gas prices down".

Yeah, Diddy, we'll get right on that. I think all of about 2 people in this world feel your pain. You have to deal with the indignity of dealing with other, less-wealthy people in first class. Shut up already.

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