Rant: Everything is Toasted

When the hell did we start toasting everything we eat?

Before I hit my stride, let me state unequivocally that I am a big fan of fire. Love the stuff. Grills the burgers, keeps alight the campfires, warms the fireplaces and causes Frankenstein to go crazy. It's got a billion practical uses, and a million not-so-practical but really cool uses. Also, it demands your respect, because it will f*** you up if you ever cross it. One heckuva chemical reaction, if you ask me.

But toasting... toasting is like the retarded brother of fire. It makes your food marginally warmer and more dry and crispy. Outside of that, it does nothing. Toast, prior to the toaster, is still f***ing bread.

This wouldn't necessarily bother me, really, if it weren't for the fact that somehow the act of toasting your food has permeated our entire social structure. It would be fine if toasting was a value-add, but it's now the default.

Bagels? Toasted. Sandwhiches? Toasted. Wraps? Toasted. Just about everything bread-related has to be toasted before you eat it now.

An example: I went to Dunkin Donuts and wanted a bagel with cream cheese. I order a bagel with cream cheese. The woman behind the counter asks me if I want it toasted. I say no, I'd rather it not be. My bagels comes to me toasted. I ask them to take less action and spend less time and energy on my order, and they go ahead and do it anyway.

It won't take long before there are heating instructions written on the box of Golden Grahams. And you know the day is coming where you can carry around a portable George Foreman grill for the times you just need things toasted on the go.