Captain Planet Begins: the live-action movie

I was thinking the other day how much I would like a live-action Captain Planet movie. Instead of taking it seriously, though, I decided to "improve" upon the formula a little bit and shake things up a bit. Here's the cast of the movie I want to see:

Captain Planet

Captain Planet was the go-to guy to catch the bad guys. When someone was looting and polluting, you could always count on him to make it right. On top of that, he had a great mullet. That pretty much sums up Dog the Bounty Hunter, who I think is perfect for the role.

Captain Planet

Gaia

Gaia was the one who first rounded up the planeteers and set them forth with guidelines to protect the planet and whatnot. I don't really remember, because I tuned her out whenever she was on the screen - she was rather boring and getting in the way of the ACTUAL planet saving. You know who else I kinda tuned out? Fran Drescher, who played the the nanny in "The Nanny". Gaia was a nanny of sorts, and Drescher's laugh really grated me the wrong way, so I learned to tune it out.


Gaia

Ma-ti

Ma-ti could talk with animals... seriously. Where most people would be labelled as insane and carted off to a loony farm, Ma-ti converses and communes with animals. Cesar Milan, The Dog Whisperer, is his real-life counterpart. Whether or not he can actually talk with dogs remains to be seen... but he does have a hit show and makes more money than me, so we can definitely rule out insanity.


Ma-ti

Gi

If I were to ask you who the least useful planeteer was, you'd probably go with Ma-ti and the power of heart. I'd have to disagree with you - unless there was a body of water around, Gi was limited in what she could really do. Granted, she did come through on a number of occasions, but she was the planeteer equivalent of Aquaman of the Super Friends. For that reason, I want Pamela Anderson filling out this role. In Baywatch, she was always around water (the ocean) and has yet to capture that kind of success elsewhere.


Gi

Kwame, Linka and Wheeler

I really have nothing to say here. These were arguably the three most useful planeteers in the bunch having control of the elements of earth, wind and fire. However, if I were to improve on the formula I would use the actual Earth, Wind and Fire simply because that would be awesome. Sure it doesn't work out number-wise, but who cares? Besides controlling the planeteers' elements they would inherently control the power of funk, which would make them all the more versatile.



Earth, Wind and Fire (collectively and literally)

Hoggish Greedly

Every story needs a villain. One of the staple Captain Planet bad guys, Hoggish Greedly was meant to represent the evils of industrialization and greed. Industrialization and greed aside, you'd have a hard time convincing me they didn't originally base him entirely off of Louie Anderson.


Hoggish Greedly