Sep 4, 2008

The Unwind Text Adventure

I was talking with a coworker today, and we started talking about what was the oldest browser we could post on Blogger with. Somehow out of this line of conversation I found the inspiration to do an old-fashioned text adventure game style post. I just kinda ran with the idea, and somehow came up with the below. Hope it makes for a good read!

You can find the rest of it after the break.

Welcome to The Unwind Text Adventure Game! You find yourself in a room with a computer.

] Look around room.

The room is dimly lit, with electronics and clothes strewn about the floor. You are alone, staring intently at a blank computer screen.

] Talk to nearby person.

There is no one in the room.

] Good, watch porn.

This is a text adventure.

] Fine, blog.

What would you like to blog about?

] Blog about ideals.

You've already attempted to watch porn this game. Your ideals are severely compromised.

] Shut up.

Unknown command.

] Blog about nonsense.

You begin to blog about nonsense, but your character suffers from writer's block. Please remove writer's block from your character before continuing.

] Procrastinate.

How would you like to procrastinate?

] Watch porn.

Seriously, stop it.

] Fine, watch television.

It's 3 AM, and Ron Pompeil is hawking his latest merchandise, the Showtime Rotisserie and Solid Flavor Injector.

] Determine comedic value of products.

The Showtime Rotisserie can be set and forgotten, but the Solid Flavor Injector is both hysterical and disturbing.

] Remember solid flavor injector.

You make a conscious effort to remember the solid flavor injector.

] That's what she said.

Again, you are alone in the room.

] Watch p-

Don't even say it.

] Fine, blog about nonsense.

You are still suffering from writer's block. You cannot blog until you remove writer's block.

] Blog about Solid Flavor Injector.

You come up with a hilarious, but off-color, joke involving the Solid Flavor Injector, a couch and the corpse of Ralph Macchio. It makes for a great opening paragraph.

] Wait, Ralph Macchio's dead?

His career is, yes.

] Google Ralph Macchio.

Unknown command.

] Search internet for Ralph Macchio.

Ralph Macchio isn't currently in the internet.

] Facepalm.

Unknown command.

] Change channel on television.

You see a rerun of The Hills. In this episode, Whitney tells Lauren she'll be leaving for New York tomorrow. It's sudden, but Whitney looks excited, whilst Lauren looks a bit shocked. Then Whitney asks about Doug -


The television is now off.

] Roll a save against my sanity.

18 - Congratulations! Your exposure to The Hills has left your sanity somewhat in tact.

] Define "somewhat".

You don't want to know.

] Yes I do, I just asked.

...said the crazy person.

] Status of current blog post.

Your post consists of an opening paragraph with the hilarious, but off-color, joke about the Solid Flavor Injector, a couch and the corpse of Ralph Macchio.

] Screw it! Copy and paste the introduction paragraph 12 times.

Your blog post now consists 12 identical paragraphs with the hilarious, but off-color, joke about the Solid Flavor Injector, a couch and the corpse of Ralph Macchio.

] Add random YouTube clip, submit post and go to sleep.

Congratulations! You've successfully completed The Unwind Text Adventure game!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

why are you narrating my life?