UPDATE: Rod Hilton responded that he read the script and liked it, though he already had decided to go with someone else. I've changed the title of the post per his request, as "The Abridged Script" is his trademark. Sorry about that Rod!
One website that I peruse from time to time, The Editing Room, recently asked people to write guest scripts. There were rules and restrictions and whatnot on how that whole process is supposed to work, but I went ahead and decided to write a script anyway.
In what will either be an audition for or an homage to The Editing Room, depending on whether or not it's read by Rod Hilton (Hi Rod!), I present to you Death Race: The Condensed Version. The rest of it can be found after the break.
"Time circuits on. Flux Capacitor... fluxxing. Engine running. All right!"
FADE IN:
INT. FACTORY - POST-INDUSTRIAL ANYTOWN, USA
A montage of clips from a factory that apparently ONLY MAKES SPARKS attempts to demonstrate that JASON STATHAM can hold down a decent job outside of a TRANSPORTER MOVIE. To the surprise of no one, JASON STATHAM loses this job as the SPARKS FACTORY CLOSES. The police come to beat up the evil factory workers who are picking up their last paychecks.
INT. JASON STATHAM'S - POST-INDUSTRIAL ANYTOWN, USA
Honey, I'm home. I've lost my job, went out and got in a fight.
It's ok, we'll be all right. You're a good man.
Seriously? Were you listening to me at all?
Sorry, I was forced to say that because you'll be committing unspeakable acts later in this movie and the audience needs to know who's the good guy. Go upstairs and I'll fix you a Pabst because we're going all out tonight.
A MASKED MAN kills JANAYA STEVENS and frames JASON STATHAM in a scene that is designed to give the movie a PLOT.
INT. PRISON - POST-INDUSTRIAL ALCATRAZ
Prison warden JOAN ALLEN arranges a meeting with JASON STATHAM.
So I hear you need something transported.
What? No. Wait, were you told this was Transporter 3?
If it isn't, then get me the hell out of here.
Now you're talking. What I have here is a Death Race and the most popular driver, Frankenstein, died. Despite no mention of it prior, you're a very very good driver. If you wear his mask, pretend to be him and win you'll get your freedom. Are you interested?
I don't follow...
*sigh*, I need something transported.
JASON STATHAM agrees to participate in the DEATH RACE, and meets his CREW.
I'm the boss of this crew because I'm the only one with a decent career. You can call me Coach. Here's your car.
This is it? You basically outfitted the Gadget-mobile with guns.
And armor plating!
Cut to TYRESE GIBSON.
Despite the fact that I'm pretty sure I killed him earlier in this movie, I've got a personal vendetta against Frankenstein.
What the heck is this? The frigging title is called "Death Race" and we haven't seen anything cool since the opening scene. Can we get deaths and the racing we were promised already?
EXT. POST-INDUSTRIAL ALCATRAZ, RACE TRACK
The drivers of the race are introduced to their HOT FEMALE NAVIGATORS, with the exception of TYRESE GIBSON's, because his navigators ALWAYS DIE. The AUDIENCE WAKES UP.
A KICK-ASS game of MARIO KART breaks out only with more GUNS and EXPLOSIONS and less BLUE KOOPA SHELLS.
TYRESE GIBSON's NAVIGATOR gets THROWN out of a TRUCK and DIES. A few of the contestants DIE in the RACE.
INT. PRISON - POST-INDUSTRIAL ALCATRAZ
The man who killed my wife is conveniently in this race. I'm going to go kill him.
EXT. POST-INDUSTRIAL ALCATRAZ, RACE TRACK
ANOTHER game of MARIO KART happens with the remaining participants. TYRESE GIBSON's NAVIGATOR dies. JASON STATHAM gets out of his GADGET-MOBILE to kill his wife's murderer with his BARE HANDS and not the guns mounted to his car. Because he is SMART.
Suddenly the DREADNAUGHT, that level's boss, appears. The DREADNAUGHT has multiple TANK TURRETS stuffed inside a heavily armored OIL RIG and uses TESTOSTERONE as a FUEL SOURCE. It proceeds to kill everyone except JASON STATHAM and TYRESE GIBSON.
Hey Tyrese, how about we play a little offense?
Holy shit, you can talk!
JASON STATHAM and TYRESE GIBSON proceed to pass the DREADNAUGHT slowly while the DREADNAUGHT'S gunners forget how to hit cars with its MASSIVE FIREPOWER. The two manage to flip the DREADNAUGHT and are BFF for the rest of the race.
INT. PRISON - POST-INDUSTRIAL ALCATRAZ
I need you to make a modification to the car. Think you can install a plot device?
Umm, how about a half-tank of gasoline?
That'll do.
JASON STATHAM then talks with TYRESE GIBSON, who are suddenly not BFF anymore and a bomb is installed in JASON STATHAM'S car by a PRISON GUARD.
EXT. POST-INDUSTRIAL ALCATRAZ, RACE TRACK
TYRESE GIBSON'S vehicle are now mounted with MISSLES. ROUND 3 of MARIO KART occurs, with only TYRESE GIBSON and JASON STATHAM left. TYRESE GIBSON fires his MISSLES at the wall and blows a hole where JASON STATHAM and he attempt to escape.
JOAN ALLEN attempts to blow up the BOMB on JASON STATHAM's car, but it was conveniently uninstalled by IAN McSHANE. POLICE CARS chase the pair down the only narrow bridge off the island.
GO GO GADGET PLOT DEVICE!
JASON STATHAM drops his half-tank of GASOLINE, which hits one POLICE CAR that immediately explodes and the rest to crash into it in a SINGLE FILE LINE. This gives the two their THIRD STAR WANTED LEVEL and the HELICOPTERS are called in. The HELICOPTERS kill TYRESE GIBSON's NAVIGATOR.
The two split up, and TYRESE GIBSON drives away unnoticed in his heavily armored DEATH TRUCK. JASON STATHAM jumps out of a speeding vehicle UNNOTICED and UNHARMED. JASON STATHAM'S NAVIGATOR pretends to be FRANKENSTEIN and gets caught.
JASON STATHAM and TYRESE GIBSON become BFF again and catch a train to Mexico. JASON STATHAM'S NAVIGATOR eventually shows up too. The AUDIENCE has already left at this point.
End.
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