Aug 21, 2008

Cooking gone wrong: Paula really really hates you for some reason

You ever watch a cooking show and really salivate over what the host is making? It looks so good and the ingredients sound really creative and interesting? Doesn't it make you hungry?

This is the opposite of that.

Fumbling around these here internets, I found a clip of a cooking show "Paula's Home Cooking". The host, Paula, is a southern woman who decides to demonstrate how to wrap macaroni and cheese with raw bacon and fry it. I repeat: she's making deep fried, bacon-wrapped macaroni and cheese. I'm no psychic, but I'm guessing your stomach hurts now.

There is so much wrong with this video, it's not even funny (ed: yes it is). Go ahead and count the number of things that are really wrong with it. I count 7, and I've listed them after the break.

To be clear, this is Paula's thinly veiled attempt to kill you. I gained weight just watching this video, and am now afraid I might suffer a heart attack in a few minutes. Watch at your own risk.



For those of you playing at home, the things that are wrong with this video are:

  • OK, obviously one is that she's frying up macaroni and cheese wrapped in bacon. Obviously, that'll probably kill you. Moving on...


  • In the beginning, after she describes what it is she's making, she can't help but laugh. It's almost as though this is one big sadistic practical joke for you, the viewer.


  • The size of the slices of mac and cheese Paula cuts could substitute for bricks in a housing project.


  • My personal favorite, Paula describes how recipes like this sometimes come to you by accident. I'm an avid lover of food, and I carry the weight to prove it. I've never once, no matter what I'm eating, ever thought "You know what? Let's wrap this in bacon and fry it!". You know why? I like living.


  • Paula's discussion of peanut oil. Not because of what she says, but because of what I imagine she originally wanted to say. It's almost like she wanted to say that frying in peanut oil is actually a relatively healthy oil to fry in. Then, she realized what the heck it was she was doing. Paula: do it right next time and fry it in Louie Anderson's back fat.


  • Paula says that the finished product "sounds beautiful". Paula, what you probably heard was the sound of your aorta tightening up in fear.


  • Lastly, Paula's reaction to eating the evil concoction. Something tells me that she's less-than-genuine when she says it's good.

4 comments:

Jonathan Currie said...

I have one more to add: check out how long she "washes" her hands for... any reasonably sanitary person would wash raw eggs off their hands for more than a second and a half.

And you're right: after she takes that bite, she's definitely spitting it out in a bucket backstage.

Jim Stankewicz said...

Paula Deen is a favorite of my girlfriend's dad.

"Now we're cookin healthy y'all, so we're just going to set aside our 8 ounces of cream cheese to soften on the side here with our 2 sticks of butter"

Down here, she also has a restaurant at a casino just over the border and the commercial for it is hilarious.

"Now repeat after me, 'Butter... is our friend!'"

I'm not making that up.

Jon Baker said...

@Jim

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA

I need to see that commercial.

Anonymous said...

Jon,

Charity passed along the address to your blog so I could check out the wedding entry. You've got a solid theory there and I think you've got substantial evidence to prove your case.

This entry is absolutely hilarious. As the sponsor of this clip would say "I'm lovin' it". In addition to the seven points you've already made, it greatly concerns me that for the majority of this clip it looks as though she's preparing bacon wrapped rice krispy treats. Although perhaps that's what she was serving for dessert?

-Molly