We're all familiar with The Legend of Zelda, a tale of the hero Link who saved the fair princess Zelda from the clutches of the evil Ganon. Tirelessly, our hero pursued his damsel in distress against all odds and saved the day.
Or so the history books tell us.
The true face of courage, altered to protect the innocent
The Unwind has secured an exclusive interview of one of the few remaining Octorok's left in Hyrule. For obvious reasons, he refused to give us his name or come out of hiding for fear of his own safety, but in this never-before-seen telephone transcript, we get a first-hand account of what really happened. What really transpired... may surprise you.
The Unwind: Thank you for the chance to speak with you, Mr...?
Octorok: Octorok's fine. Please, I'd prefer to not use my real name... he's still out there, you know.
TU: I'm sorry, who's out there?
O: Link. He's everywhere and nowhere. If he finds out that I've been speaking with you, he'll come after me and my family. Please! You can't let that happen.
TU: Certainly, we don't want that. Let's start at the beginning. Take us back, Octorok, back to when Ganon was in power. How was life in hyrule then?
O: Ah, the good old days. I remember them growing up, where the air was sweet and the daylight long. Our economy was starting to pick up and there was this air of optimism about life in general. We all thought the good times were still ahead of us, and that our children's future - even our children's children's future - was bright.
TU: Let me interrupt you there. You say this while Ganon, who by all measures was a force of evil, was in power. How do you explain that?
O: Listen, I'm not hear to make apologies for Lord Ganon. He was evil. He was a general prick. He assumed power when Hyrule didn't really need a ruler.
TU: And that's a good thing?
O: Oh, definitely not. But you know what? We adjusted. Turns out Ganon wasn't all that bad... well, as far as politicians go. Sure, we had to deal with taxes and the occasional backwards-logic decrees, but who doesn't? It could have been much, much worse. We still had roofs over our heads and food on our tables. With him as the nation's head we actually increased trade with neighboring lands as a result.
TU: So what happened?
O: With Ganon?
O: As I remember it, there was this elf named Link who was engaged to be married to Princess Zelda. Now, keep in mind Ganon is in power, so Zelda's not really the princess in the traditional sense. She had as much ruling power as the Queen of England does. It was an arranged marriage, and Zelda was more... progressive.
O: She didn't want to marry Link. I don't know if she hated the idea of arranged marriages or if she just didn't like Link, but it was obvious in all the paparazzi photos that she was miserable with him. Link must have had some serious connections to arrange something like that.
TU: What happened as a result?
O: Well, Zelda continued to be openly upset in the press for a few years. Then, she meets Ganon at a charity event, and they hit it off. Next thing you know, she gets up and leaves Link one day for Ganon. Just like that! I don't know if she saw something in his pig-snout, or if she was just making a power play, but soon after they could be seen everywhere on dates.
TU: So they were dating...
O: You know, fancy dinners, nights out on the town, that kind of stuff. They were living it up. It must have set them back quite a few rupees.
TU: How did this sit with Link?
O: Couldn't really tell at first. Obviously, you'd expect a man to be heartbroken over something like this, but he kept on for a while. He still helped out in his community, spoke at public events. Heck, he even starred in a summer blockbuster.
TU: Link was a movie star?
O: That's taking things a bit far. I mean with the Zelda scandal, his popularity shot through the roof, but he didn't have any talent. Think Arnold Schwarzenegger without muscles. He was unintentionally hilarious.
TU: So it sounded like Link actually did well for himself after Zelda left him.
TU: What happened?
O: No one really knows exactly what happened. Shortly after Ganon and Zelda settled down and bought a palace together, Link just... snapped.
O: Yeah, snapped. I guess he was really in love with Zelda and just couldn't take it anymore. He snapped. He started wearing all green - that haunting, bone-chilling green outfit - which we all thought was a publicity stunt at first.
TU: It wasn't?
O: If it was, it stopped being one once he started brandishing a sword. He... [getting audibly choked up] just... started killing. Remorselessly. Without prejudice.
TU: Do you have any idea why?
O: Not really. He was a man possessed, slaughtering anything that moved.
TU: Did anyone try to stop him?
O: The Moblin Army opposed him, but they were no match for him. I mean, Link was packing explosives, bows and arrows, boomerangs. And the lasers... they still give me nightmares to this day.
TU: How bad was it?
O: I lost all of my friends and most of family. My neighborhood was laid to waste. I can't remember how many times Link would... Link would walk around slaughtering everyone in an area. Then, he would leave for a few seconds, wait for a few people to come out of hiding and kill them. To what end?
This ghost town is all that remains of a once prosperous city
TU: So he'd just roam Hyrule killing for no apparent reason?
O: Not just the countryside, he'd walk into random palaces and kill everyone in there. Saying something about being on the quest for a "triforce" or something. He was insane, with a gaze that just pierced your soul.
TU: Where was Ganon in all this?
O: You ever have that friend who finds a new girlfriend or boyfriend, and shortly thereafter you never see them again? That was Ganon. He was probably shacking up with Zelda. Link eventually killed Lord Ganon, too.
TU: So who's ruling Hyrule now?
O: Link is, with an iron fist. He just kills for fun and rupees. I'm not even sure Zelda's still alive anymore, poor thing.
TU: Who's left for Link to be ruling at this point? I imagine it's tough to rule over dead people.
O: That doesn't seem to bother Link. I think there are a few Leevers still hiding in the sands somewhere. Link will find them eventually, and slaughter him. As well as my wife, son and me.
TU: How'd you guys survive it all?
O: Luckily, we have a summer home in the lost woods, that Link hasn't been able to find yet. We were able to sneak out in all the commotion.
TU: And you've been living there ever since?
O: I wouldn't call it living. Surviving. In fear. Do you know what it's like to have to explain to a terrified Larva that there is a green bogeyman out to get you? I haven't the heart to tell him it's a matter of when - not if - it happens.
TU: What made you share your story here with us today?
O: Because everyone has it all wrong, and I want to set the record straight. Link is a demon. He kills for the sheer joy of it now, and yet we're the ones who are called monsters. If nothing else, Link is living proof that there is no God in Hyrule. At least, not a benevolent one.
TU: Thank you for taking the time to speak with us today. I know you took a great risk in doing so.
O: Thank you.
TU: Good bye, and good luck.