Rumor: Microsoft to patent air, world holds breath for fear of royalties

Air, that life sustaining essence we take for granted every day, may soon be legally owned by Microsoft.

Unconfirmed but reliable sources within the Redmond, WA company indicate that the company has already filed a patent for a gaseous compound that is roughly 20% oxygen, 80% nitrogen with trace amount of an unspecified number of other elements. These trace elements were not disclosed as the patent claims these are "trade secrets" of Microsoft.

While this is not the first time the computer company has filed and been awarded large, vague patents, this is the first time the company is patenting something non-computer related. This can only be seen as a marked shift in the company's focus: instead of making its customers' lives easier with its products, Microsoft now intends to make its customers' lives impossible without its products.

While the optimum price point has not yet been determined, there is some internal buzz around implementing a "pay-as-you-go" subscription model, not unlike the one currently made popular by the cellphone industry. Once your prepaid air is up, you need to "re-up" before service can continue. Additionally, Microsoft mentions in the patent anti-piracy measures will be in place to protect its intellectual property.

Microsoft acknowledges that it will beef up its security and infrastructure to deliver the air to its customers, as an unexpected crash or unauthorized denial-of-service attack could be disruptive and inconvenient. Microsoft pledges to put only its best staff on this issue, and not the programmers responsible for Windows ME.