Jul 3, 2008

It's enough to make a decent man turn to anarchy

Every 4th of July, my thoughts turn to how it is I'm going to celebrate our nation's independence. The only proper way to celebrate, as we all know, is with controlled explosives. You may call them fireworks, but it's really 6 of one, half-dozen of the other here.

Only problem is, if you live anywhere in the Northeast United States, you don't get to actually do this. In fact, Connecticut law specifically states that the only fireworks available for consumer purchase are:

Hand-held and ground based sparkling devices that are non-explosive and non-aerial, and do not contain more than 100 grams of pyrotechnic composition per item.

That's just legal mumbo-jumbo for SPARKLERS ONLY. Unless you're 3, sparklers aren't any fun. Have you ever tried to force a sense of amusement with a sparkler in your hand? Without fail, you'll be mistaken for a mentally handicapped person. "Oooh, pretty lights!"

What about the "bombs bursting in air" do we not understand here? Our country was founded on violence. We earned it with a bloody war in our own backyards. Let us relive it some of that patriotic spirit by giving us the opportunity to blow something up!

And don't give me that safety concern stuff. If we're encouraged this holiday to drink a Budweiser and smoke a pack of Marlboros as we pig out on hot dogs, hamburgers and potato salad (no doubt increasing our heart risk), surely a few firecrackers can't make things that much worse. Say what you will about our public schools, kids still probably realize they need to run away from a lit explosive.

I wonder if MacGyver ever made any makeshift fireworks out of common household materials...


Jeffrey said...

well...MacGyver has made some flashbangs in some of the episodes i have rewatched thus far. does that count?

Jon Baker said...


Good enough. How'd he do it?