A couple of my friends over at Traveling Munchies asked me to join them in an episode of Traveling Munchies Radio. For those not in the know, Traveling Munchies Radio is grown men talking inappropriately seriously about snack food.
If you like monkeys, pumpkins or pound cake, or if you'd just like to hear my voice in cell-phone quality, you should check it out! It's... entertaining, at very least.
http://www.travelingmunchies.com/2008/09/unwinding-with-monkey-crackers-and.html
Sep 12, 2008
Traveling Munchies Radio Podcast
Beijing Olympic Card Stack
This video is way overdue, having been shown it by a friend during the Olympics. Still, it's really unbelievable how close the card-stacked replicas of the Beijing Olympic Stadiums are to the real things.
Sep 10, 2008
100th post!
Acheivement Unlocked!
Not really going to post much today, and just take a step back to reflect on the milestone. Part of me can't believe I've made it this far. Now part of me wonders if I'll ever stop.
FUN FACT: From the time I started tracking statistics on this site (May 9th) to now, 1,301 people have visited this site from 43 different countries. But it's the awesome set of friends and coworkers that continue to give feedback, ideas and support that I value most. You've all been laughing along with me this whole time.
Thanks. Click here to continue reading "100th post!"
Sep 9, 2008
Death Race: The Condensed Version
UPDATE: Rod Hilton responded that he read the script and liked it, though he already had decided to go with someone else. I've changed the title of the post per his request, as "The Abridged Script" is his trademark. Sorry about that Rod!
One website that I peruse from time to time, The Editing Room, recently asked people to write guest scripts. There were rules and restrictions and whatnot on how that whole process is supposed to work, but I went ahead and decided to write a script anyway.
In what will either be an audition for or an homage to The Editing Room, depending on whether or not it's read by Rod Hilton (Hi Rod!), I present to you Death Race: The Condensed Version. The rest of it can be found after the break.
"Time circuits on. Flux Capacitor... fluxxing. Engine running. All right!"
FADE IN:
INT. FACTORY - POST-INDUSTRIAL ANYTOWN, USA
A montage of clips from a factory that apparently ONLY MAKES SPARKS attempts to demonstrate that JASON STATHAM can hold down a decent job outside of a TRANSPORTER MOVIE. To the surprise of no one, JASON STATHAM loses this job as the SPARKS FACTORY CLOSES. The police come to beat up the evil factory workers who are picking up their last paychecks.
INT. JASON STATHAM'S - POST-INDUSTRIAL ANYTOWN, USA
Honey, I'm home. I've lost my job, went out and got in a fight.
It's ok, we'll be all right. You're a good man.
Seriously? Were you listening to me at all?
Sorry, I was forced to say that because you'll be committing unspeakable acts later in this movie and the audience needs to know who's the good guy. Go upstairs and I'll fix you a Pabst because we're going all out tonight.
A MASKED MAN kills JANAYA STEVENS and frames JASON STATHAM in a scene that is designed to give the movie a PLOT.
INT. PRISON - POST-INDUSTRIAL ALCATRAZ
Prison warden JOAN ALLEN arranges a meeting with JASON STATHAM.
So I hear you need something transported.
What? No. Wait, were you told this was Transporter 3?
If it isn't, then get me the hell out of here.
Now you're talking. What I have here is a Death Race and the most popular driver, Frankenstein, died. Despite no mention of it prior, you're a very very good driver. If you wear his mask, pretend to be him and win you'll get your freedom. Are you interested?
I don't follow...
*sigh*, I need something transported.
JASON STATHAM agrees to participate in the DEATH RACE, and meets his CREW.
I'm the boss of this crew because I'm the only one with a decent career. You can call me Coach. Here's your car.
This is it? You basically outfitted the Gadget-mobile with guns.
And armor plating!
Cut to TYRESE GIBSON.
Despite the fact that I'm pretty sure I killed him earlier in this movie, I've got a personal vendetta against Frankenstein.
What the heck is this? The frigging title is called "Death Race" and we haven't seen anything cool since the opening scene. Can we get deaths and the racing we were promised already?
EXT. POST-INDUSTRIAL ALCATRAZ, RACE TRACK
The drivers of the race are introduced to their HOT FEMALE NAVIGATORS, with the exception of TYRESE GIBSON's, because his navigators ALWAYS DIE. The AUDIENCE WAKES UP.
A KICK-ASS game of MARIO KART breaks out only with more GUNS and EXPLOSIONS and less BLUE KOOPA SHELLS.
TYRESE GIBSON's NAVIGATOR gets THROWN out of a TRUCK and DIES. A few of the contestants DIE in the RACE.
INT. PRISON - POST-INDUSTRIAL ALCATRAZ
The man who killed my wife is conveniently in this race. I'm going to go kill him.
EXT. POST-INDUSTRIAL ALCATRAZ, RACE TRACK
ANOTHER game of MARIO KART happens with the remaining participants. TYRESE GIBSON's NAVIGATOR dies. JASON STATHAM gets out of his GADGET-MOBILE to kill his wife's murderer with his BARE HANDS and not the guns mounted to his car. Because he is SMART.
Suddenly the DREADNAUGHT, that level's boss, appears. The DREADNAUGHT has multiple TANK TURRETS stuffed inside a heavily armored OIL RIG and uses TESTOSTERONE as a FUEL SOURCE. It proceeds to kill everyone except JASON STATHAM and TYRESE GIBSON.
Hey Tyrese, how about we play a little offense?
Holy shit, you can talk!
JASON STATHAM and TYRESE GIBSON proceed to pass the DREADNAUGHT slowly while the DREADNAUGHT'S gunners forget how to hit cars with its MASSIVE FIREPOWER. The two manage to flip the DREADNAUGHT and are BFF for the rest of the race.
INT. PRISON - POST-INDUSTRIAL ALCATRAZ
I need you to make a modification to the car. Think you can install a plot device?
Umm, how about a half-tank of gasoline?
That'll do.
JASON STATHAM then talks with TYRESE GIBSON, who are suddenly not BFF anymore and a bomb is installed in JASON STATHAM'S car by a PRISON GUARD.
EXT. POST-INDUSTRIAL ALCATRAZ, RACE TRACK
TYRESE GIBSON'S vehicle are now mounted with MISSLES. ROUND 3 of MARIO KART occurs, with only TYRESE GIBSON and JASON STATHAM left. TYRESE GIBSON fires his MISSLES at the wall and blows a hole where JASON STATHAM and he attempt to escape.
JOAN ALLEN attempts to blow up the BOMB on JASON STATHAM's car, but it was conveniently uninstalled by IAN McSHANE. POLICE CARS chase the pair down the only narrow bridge off the island.
GO GO GADGET PLOT DEVICE!
JASON STATHAM drops his half-tank of GASOLINE, which hits one POLICE CAR that immediately explodes and the rest to crash into it in a SINGLE FILE LINE. This gives the two their THIRD STAR WANTED LEVEL and the HELICOPTERS are called in. The HELICOPTERS kill TYRESE GIBSON's NAVIGATOR.
The two split up, and TYRESE GIBSON drives away unnoticed in his heavily armored DEATH TRUCK. JASON STATHAM jumps out of a speeding vehicle UNNOTICED and UNHARMED. JASON STATHAM'S NAVIGATOR pretends to be FRANKENSTEIN and gets caught.
JASON STATHAM and TYRESE GIBSON become BFF again and catch a train to Mexico. JASON STATHAM'S NAVIGATOR eventually shows up too. The AUDIENCE has already left at this point.
End.
Click here to continue reading "Death Race: The Condensed Version"
Sep 8, 2008
Trust me, I'm a doctor
It's not often I get requests to write about particular topics here at The Unwind, and it's even rarer that I accept them. But when I was asked to explore the "[x-1] out of [x] [experts] agree" tagline used by countless products today by a coworker, I couldn't resist.
"4 out of 5 dentists approve..."
Which dentists? Are the 4 dentists any good? Is that lone dissenter the voice of reason against the other incompetent dentists? What about the next 5 dentists? Maybe those next 5 all realize that the product causes cancer. It certainly would have been good to know before I bought that asbestos-bristled toothbrush.
"9 out of 10 doctors agree..."
Fantastic! Are the agreeing doctors in related fields? Or even in relevant fields? I honestly don't care if a proctologist recommends Tylenol over Advil, because he better be giving me something a bit stronger than that both during and after a procedure.
And what's to say that these are even doctors of medicine and nothing totally irrelevant like philosophy or theology? Oh yeah, that creepy professor from your local community college totally thinks that Trojan condoms are the best... he recommends them to all his students!
"4 out of 5 experts think the 5th expert is stupid"
Now that's a statement I can get behind. Click here to continue reading "Trust me, I'm a doctor"
Hole in the wall
Saw a sneak peek of the Fox show "Hole In The Wall" today, and oh man is it awesome. Or horrible. I can't tell which. The basic idea of the show is that there is a wall coming at players with holes in it they have to squeeze through. If they aren't able to get through, the wall knocks them into a pool of water behind it.
Doing a little research, I found that this was originally a Japanese game show also by the same title. To get an idea of what this show is like, take a look at the embedded videos of the Japanese version after the break.
I'm honestly kinda looking forward to it for reasons I can't yet fully explain myself.
Sep 5, 2008
Photoshop Flailing: Cracked.com and a request
Decided to bust out the ol' Photoshop and whip up a few pictures. My topic was for the weekly Cracked.com reader submission, who wanted to know what it would take for network televisions to increase viewership. My submissions (thusfar) are below, click on any of them for a higher resolution picture.
The obvious way, to me at least, is to get right in front of the viewer:
YEAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
This one is likely to put a smile on your face.
A reality show based on Keith Richards' life? Sign me up!
In the season finale, we discover he's been dead for 12 years.
And this one isn't for Cracked, but rather my friends over at Traveling Munchies:
Animal Crackers!
Sep 4, 2008
The Legend of Neil 6
This is the (as of now) final installment of The Legend of Neil, where Neil finally gets through level 1. As always, it's NSFW and really really good.
Thanks effin funny for a great series and effectively ruining any hope I have of a fond memory of Zelda.
The Unwind Text Adventure
I was talking with a coworker today, and we started talking about what was the oldest browser we could post on Blogger with. Somehow out of this line of conversation I found the inspiration to do an old-fashioned text adventure game style post. I just kinda ran with the idea, and somehow came up with the below. Hope it makes for a good read!
You can find the rest of it after the break.
Welcome to The Unwind Text Adventure Game! You find yourself in a room with a computer.
] Look around room.
The room is dimly lit, with electronics and clothes strewn about the floor. You are alone, staring intently at a blank computer screen.
] Talk to nearby person.
There is no one in the room.
] Good, watch porn.
This is a text adventure.
] Fine, blog.
What would you like to blog about?
] Blog about ideals.
You've already attempted to watch porn this game. Your ideals are severely compromised.
] Shut up.
Unknown command.
] Blog about nonsense.
You begin to blog about nonsense, but your character suffers from writer's block. Please remove writer's block from your character before continuing.
] Procrastinate.
How would you like to procrastinate?
] Watch porn.
Seriously, stop it.
] Fine, watch television.
It's 3 AM, and Ron Pompeil is hawking his latest merchandise, the Showtime Rotisserie and Solid Flavor Injector.
] Determine comedic value of products.
The Showtime Rotisserie can be set and forgotten, but the Solid Flavor Injector is both hysterical and disturbing.
] Remember solid flavor injector.
You make a conscious effort to remember the solid flavor injector.
] That's what she said.
Again, you are alone in the room.
] Watch p-
Don't even say it.
] Fine, blog about nonsense.
You are still suffering from writer's block. You cannot blog until you remove writer's block.
] Blog about Solid Flavor Injector.
You come up with a hilarious, but off-color, joke involving the Solid Flavor Injector, a couch and the corpse of Ralph Macchio. It makes for a great opening paragraph.
] Wait, Ralph Macchio's dead?
His career is, yes.
] Google Ralph Macchio.
Unknown command.
] Search internet for Ralph Macchio.
Ralph Macchio isn't currently in the internet.
] Facepalm.
Unknown command.
] Change channel on television.
You see a rerun of The Hills. In this episode, Whitney tells Lauren she'll be leaving for New York tomorrow. It's sudden, but Whitney looks excited, whilst Lauren looks a bit shocked. Then Whitney asks about Doug -
] OH GOD, TURN OFF THE TELEVISION!
The television is now off.
] Roll a save against my sanity.
18 - Congratulations! Your exposure to The Hills has left your sanity somewhat in tact.
] Define "somewhat".
You don't want to know.
] Yes I do, I just asked.
...said the crazy person.
] Status of current blog post.
Your post consists of an opening paragraph with the hilarious, but off-color, joke about the Solid Flavor Injector, a couch and the corpse of Ralph Macchio.
] Screw it! Copy and paste the introduction paragraph 12 times.
Your blog post now consists 12 identical paragraphs with the hilarious, but off-color, joke about the Solid Flavor Injector, a couch and the corpse of Ralph Macchio.
] Add random YouTube clip, submit post and go to sleep.
Congratulations! You've successfully completed The Unwind Text Adventure game!
Sep 3, 2008
FEMA for kidz rap... seriously
BEHOLD, THE FEMA FOR KIDZ RAP:
http://www.fema.gov/kids/femarap.htm
The stupidity of it all is seriously off the charts. Since Hurricane Katrina, FEMA's public opinion hasn't exactly been stellar. Of course, FEMA decides that the way to fix this is to create a rap song targeted at kids. I would have instead fired those responsible for the mishaps and beefed up it's ability to respond, but what the hell do I know.
It's a really, really bad rap song too. The lyrics of which are posted at the above link. Mitigation? What kid knows of that word? And how fugging depressing is it when the whole point of your song is (essentially) live in constant fear of natural disasters and oh, by the way, we're here to help.
And don't even get me started on the music. Don't bother downloading the song, it's just a drum loop from a cheap Casio electronic keyboard with the occasional ambient instrument while some uninterested guy talks over the lyrics. When I heard it, and after I ripped my ears off of my skull, I realized that Shatner could have done a
better job of it all. Without music. And he wouldn't have made me hate FEMA as much in the process.And how about the fact that it's encoded in Real Audio? So that you need to use RealPlayer to listen to it? 1995 was a long time ago, fellas. The quality on this this is horrible to boot. Kids are going to be turned off from this simply because it sounds like it was recorded underwater. The mental image I just got of the "singer" drowning while recording this song is eerily comforting.
And the site itself is offensive. That bright yellow background requires sunglasses to view pain-free. Was this site done by the same people who made Phillup
Sep 2, 2008
I thought he told us that he wouldn't stop...
But this just made me laugh:
http://www.cnn.com/2008/SHOWBIZ/Music/09/01/people.sean.combs.ap/index.html?iref=mpstoryview
Diddy apparently cannot afford to fly his personal jet due to the high price of gas. Instead, he's upset that he's forced to fly first class in a commercial jet. His having to fly commercial, in his eyes, is "proof gas prices are too high" and that we have to "[t]ell whoever the next president is we need to bring gas prices down".
Yeah, Diddy, we'll get right on that. I think all of about 2 people in this world feel your pain. You have to deal with the indignity of dealing with other, less-wealthy people in first class. Shut up already.
Aug 29, 2008
Web servers and thumb drives, together at last
Time to get a little serious and stop being an internet tough guy amateur wise-cracking blogger for a minute. I came across a really interesting article the other day, where you can turn your thumb drive into a personal web server:
www.delsquacho.com/blog/2008/04/17/setup-a-personal-portable-web-server/
So naturally, I've spent a better part of this evening trying it out. The instructions tell you to install a fairly straightforward program, XAMPP, that installs and runs everything for you. This is good, because server level details are waaaay beyond my technical knowledge.
Of course, even using XAMPP seems to be beyond my technical knowledge. I've been trying desperately to get this thing up and running. I got Apache working for a little bit, but when I stopped the server, unplugged my thumb drive (which I'm supposed to be able to do), and tried to start it up again... Apache screams at me. Like all the time. Errors galore.
So I'm installing XAMPP for the 3rd time as I write this. Hopefully, the 3rd time is the charm!
Any help from anyone on the internets would be greatly appreciated. I'm trying to do this for a side project I'm working on, and having a little test environment would be unbelievably useful.
Happy Labor Day from The Unwind
Just wanted to let you know that I won't be posting as normal on Labor Day. I could use the day off, both from work and this self-imposed committment, to recharge. At least that's what I'm telling most people. Actually, I just plan to eat hot dogs and hamburgers until I go into a food coma.
Have a safe and happy holiday weekend!
Aug 28, 2008
Trippiest. Website. Ever.
http://www.secrettechnology.com/mouse/opening.html
That has to be one of the trippiest websites I've ever come across. Seriously, the "wtf" factor alone is worth the price of admission. I've tried to understand this site. I've given up.
The only things I can say about the site for sure is that:
- It was created either by a crazy person or someone under the influence of some powerful drugs
- To fully appreciate it, you need to be either crazy yourself or under the influence of said powerful drugs
Aug 27, 2008
Got Jott?
A voice sprang from the phone, tough to make out with it being on speaker. "Jott feeds," my coworker replied. Jott feeds? Is that even English he's speaking? "The Unwind" my coworker bellows. Suddenly, it's yesterday's post... being read to me over the phone! My jaw hit the floor.
That co-worker was, of course, one of the masterminds behind Traveling Munchies. Anyone who's been to their site knows they are no stranger to the new, trendy technologies so it was no surprise that he had discovered Jott.
Jott (http://www.jott.com/) is a really cool, robust text-to-speech service that allows you to speak reminders, calendar dates, emails or whatever into your phone, encode it into text and send it where you'd like it to go. Or you can manage it all online using their slick interface. It also lets you read anything that has an RSS feed over the phone by reading it to you.
As an aside, the voice is a little creepy, reminding me of GlaDOS from Portal a little bit. But whatever, you can finally listen to The Unwind from your phone! Right? ....Right? Is this thing on?
There are different service tiers, and I'm using only the basic free one, but I'm very happy with the service. Its interface is slick, and I'm still figuring out all the bells and whistles this thing has (hint: it's a lot). I can say that it really is incredible the scope of this little service, and I highly recommend that you try it out for yourself. I've added a "listen to this site" button over on the right for ease of access.
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