The coolest toy I never got to play with as a child

When I see something like this, I get pissed. Pissed, not because of what it is or what it represents. But pissed because I didn't get to play with stuff this cool when I was young. It's a Pez dispenser that's also a toy gun. It shoots delicious, delicious Pez. How freaking cool is that?

These were taken off the market because, apparently, having kids stick a gun in their mouths and pull the trigger is a no-no.

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TF2 Sniper Practical Joke

Apparently, someone's been messing with BLU's ammo cabinet.
(for a higher-res version, click on the below image)

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We've all been there...

This is the most epic of theoreticals wins. I say theoretical, because the below is a step-by-step guide on how to win over a girl that you're friends with, but she's seeing someone else. To collapse it's singularity into the "win" state, you need to act these out on your own.

Not recommended fellas, especially if you already have that special lady in your life. But I will say, this guide worked for me to great effect. It's how I met my current girlfriend (no it isn't).

http://batteriesfeelincluded.blogspot.com/2009/05/309.html?commentPage=1

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Flipping Out (literally)

This video is by no means new, especially when held to the universal "internet time" standard (2 hour shelf life before it becomes old). I don't care. I'm going to start your week off right, with 2 scoops of awesomeness. If this video inspires you to be even a fraction as awesome as Damien Walters is, I guarantee you this'll be the best week of your life.

Now go forth, and be awesome.

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Sniper/Spy Pack 2nd Impressions: Humble Pie

I'm going to say it. I was wrong.

The more I play in it, the more I actually have come to love Valve's new unlock system. Not having the usual speedy access to those sweet, sweet unlockables was disappointing and in that disappointment I was blinded to the good aspects of it. Gone are the days of mindlessly grinding achievements, all you have to do is enjoy the game you already do.

Where I think Valve messed up in this transition of systems, is they should have implemented the trading system promised, or made it so we wouldn't get duplicates immediately. It's frustrating that I've been playing the game for a good long while now and only have the Ambassador to show for it.

I go through cycles - binges, if you will - of Arena. I love Arena. It's like the cool, older-brother of Counterstrike. But, like Counterstrike, I have to be in the mood for it. The one time I played Nucleus, I didn't form opinions of it for good or for bad. I look forward to putting the new maps through the paces... once I feel like getting around to it.

What I can't stop playing right now is the payload race map, Pipeline. This is everything I wanted in my map and more. Attack/defend maps are one thing, but I've always enjoyed 2 teams vying for the same objective: CTF, Hydro, and traditional CP maps. This frantic style of play forces each team to both mind their defences as well as take the offense. The key to victory in these usually isn't in skill levels or in any one given strategy, but the fluidity in which a team adjusts to the situation.

Why I'm swooning hardcore over this map, though, is the changes in strategy the further you progress your cart. In two stages, the further you've pushed the cart, the closer to the enemy base it is. Last ditch pushes at the end are always exciting for both the attackers and defenders, because usually towards the end the cart has to go up only a small hill to win.

And in the final stage, it's a mad push up adjacent roller-coaster-esque tracks. This is the fun part, because these tracks are unforgiving: if not actively pushing the cart, the cart rolls back downhill, near where it started. Also adding to the frustration is the narrowness of the track - if you fall off, or are pushed off, you go back to the ground floor. Did I mention that the two tracks are within shooting distance of one another? Theoretically, both teams could have a firefight with one another while pushing their respective cart. Insane.

Now just let me have those other unlockables...

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Breaking News: "Internet Trolls" are among us

Clever meta-troll, or hilariously behind the times piece on trolls? YOU DECIDE.

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The Kadir-Buxton method, kung-fu for the soul

Over the years, man's grasp of medicine has evolved and grown. We've gone from the four humours, to the great accident penicillin, to many new and exciting technologies and drugs. I have no idea what exactly those new things are, I'm not a real doctor (no matter what I may tell you in person). Point is, when I meet someone who is a doctor I trust these people - who spent the better part of their lives studying this kind of thing - know what they're doing.

Why am I bringing this up? Because some dude claims that he has the cure/answer for, like, almost everything in this world. Mental illness, female orgasms, fertility, Alzheimer's, cheap electricity, making people forget things, an alternative to sex, and a lot of other stuff that I couldn't be bothered to read after about 30 minutes of reading.

His method? You get struck somewhere on your body. No joke. This guy strikes you:

This is the real life Dr. Nick
This is the developer of the Kadir-Buxton method. His site, which purports all of this medical alchemy, can be found at:

http://www.kadir-buxton.com/index.htm

I was hoping this site would have links to YouTube videos of his method at work, because I need to see it in action to believe it. No, wait, I just need to see it in action for entertainment purposes.

I have to give credit where it's due, though. This method did have the side effect of having the balls to claim all of this stuff. Admittedly, his site is a pretty good read. But I warn you, the idiocy of it is so thick you'll need to stop and surface for air after a while.

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Shotgun Content 8: Shameless self-promotion edition

Me, me, me, me! It's all about me.
On this blog, at least....

• I'm writing now on another site, Top Cultured. I've even got me a new-fangled feature, entitled "Who Ya Got?", where I pit fictional characters and whatnot against one another in a theoretical fight. My writing there won't replace anything I do here, it's just another side project I'm working on.
  
  As always, I strive for a good read. Go check it out and let me know what you think!
  
  
• Another episode of the Fair Use Law (ep 202) has been released and is available for your listening pleasure.
  
  What's relevant about it is that starting with last week's episode, we had moved to a new hosting server. If you were listening to the podcast using the embedded players on the FUL website, you've likely already made the switch. If you were subscribed via iTunes, there's a new feed. You'll need to re-subscribe to us using this link:
  
  
  Sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused. I promise you we're being as inane as ever on the new hosting server (podbean).
  
  
• Though hardly breaking news, particularly given the speed of the internet, the TF2 Spy and Sniper packs were released last Thursday. To much of the community's disappointment, earning the new unlockables were no longer tied to the new achievements, but rather released randomly over time. Though I'm unsure if this has been fixed, anecdotal reports indicate that these unlock events would even give you stuff you've already unlocked previously.
  
  I don't like this new direction. Obviously, the lion's share of the fun of these packs are the unlockables. They radically change the way we play a given class. The precedent had been set that if you actively farm for 2 or so hours, you'd likely do enough to earn all of a class' unlockables. Not too huge of a time commitment, given the reward. In this new system, it wasn't uncommon for people to sink in 5+ hours and come away empty handed.
  
  I get why they changed the unlock system. It helps newer players get access to unlockable stuff without having to grind out achievements. This lets them just *play* the game (a novel idea). But Valve's implementation of it was less than Valve-perfect and they frustrated a lot of veterans in the process.
  
  
• Lastly: http://www.laserportraits.net/ LOL

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Gamer

Thanks to the very awesome Scott Ramsoomair (via his recent tweet), I was turned onto Gamer, a movie coming out later this year.

I don't care if it ultimately sucks, it looks like awesome campy fun. Think Running Man meets Halo. And honestly, who wouldn't want to play a video game where you get to control a live person in armed combat? Ok, maybe not an actual person, but imagine if we had that level of detail and control with our next gen video games?

Also, Michael C. Hall is in it, and he looks to be the type of sadistic, murderous control freak persona he's perfected in Dexter. Only this time, he's the bad guy. That alone should be worth the price of admission (or at least a rental).

Trailer!

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DAMN YOU, JAPAN!

Good job, Japan. You've outdone even yourself. Give them credit, they are incredibly efficient at making brain synapses start moshing against one another and then shut off completely.

This hopefully Japanese exclusive WiiWare game is all about... well, I don't know exactly. You'll have to draw your own conclusions with the below video. It's full of OH GOD MY EYES!

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"Unnecessary" Quotes

Have you ever "seen" a sign or flyer that just had unnecessary "quotation marks" littering its copy? You're not really "sure" you know what they're trying to "say", correct? Well, one "blog" has "decided" to "round up" and "archive" such "things". It's the Unnecessary Quotes blog and can be "found" at:

http://www.unnecessaryquotes.com/

It's a great read that really makes you think twice about some of the signs you glance over everyday. Now that I'm on the lookout for them, I'm looking forward to striking up an interesting conversation at one local Dunkin' Donuts notorious for this kind of thing.

- Via "Dan" of "Travelling Munchies" fame.

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Lost in Translation: Taken

Back in the day, a few friends of mine discovered the joy that is Babelfish. Specifically, translating things into Japanese and back again. I've decided to apply this alchemy to short(er) reviews of movies and/or games, to give my opinions that extra bit of perspective. As you can see below, something gets lost in translation.

I've edited the below review of Taken, only in that replaced the untranslatable kanji to what my original intentions were in the words surrounded by brackets.

what?

[Liam] Neeson is the government staff whom you make retire from section of thing which kicks the donkey. With this movie, as for him him the fact that relationship with that daughter who ignored these years entirely as a agency is repaired is tried. That daughter goes to Paris, being taken that it presumes, can. As for remainder of movie " Is put Waldo compared to [Liam] which tries the fact that daughter the way eagerly is found is included; Where' s Waldo? " Book. With that wake as for him kills with progressively new, interesting method the road to be the corpse who is left. Finally, that daughter of discovery of [Liam] and after that directly you have lived happily.

I enjoyed this movie really. That undecided state, the fight scene, had the pursuit and espionage activities of the car. Basic the bone series isn' Think of that it meets to the [Harrison Ford] movie; The Star Wars or Indiana Jones of t.

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Surprise Spy update!

Valve, in true creative fashion, dropped the bomb that the upcoming Sniper pack soon to be released is instead a Spy pack. Turns out the Sniper really was a Spy. With the news, we get word of two new unlockables, the Dead Ringer and the Cloak and Dagger.

With the Dead Ringer equipped, when you take a non-lethal shot, you immediately cloak for up to 8 seconds and leave a corpse behind. The amount of confusion and insanity this thing can leave is going to be nuts. Now, even when you identify and shoot at a Spy, you can't be so sure you actually killed him, leaving you even more paranoid and confused. On a server with friendly fire on, this is going to be absolute mayhem.

The Cloak and Dagger is a new cloaking device that will allow you to be cloaked indefinitely provided you aren't moving. In fact, that's the only way the device will recharge, is to stand still. It's a trade-off, but a fair one - it's a better cloaking device, but if you want it to recharge, you have to effectively take yourself out of the game for a few seconds.

And not only did Valve see fit to surprise-release a pack for my favorite class, but they also put out a new "Meet The" video, "Meet the Spy". It's hilarious, fitting, and embedded just below this sentence.



If I didn't know any better, I'd say Valve was trying to get into my pants. I can't wait for the Spy update.

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Patrick Stewart Appreciation Day

I don't think I can sum it up any better than my friend: Patrick Stewart is an American hero that just happened to be born and lives overseas. Don't believe him? Take a look at this old bit he did for the Conan O'Brien show and you tell me otherwise.

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Shotgun Content 7

Click, click, pull:

• Lately, the Konami Code has been sweeping the internet. Several sites now have Easter eggs and/or additional functionality built into them simply by entering the Konami code into them. There's a whole list of them over at http://www.konamicodesites.com/
  
  I would love to be able to Konami Code-enable something here on The Unwind, but I don't know what, and don't immediately have the programming expertise to do it. I can work on the coding, any suggestions on what that Easter egg should be, readers?
  
  
• Random thought: How can successful emo bands still be all Angsty McLiveJournal after they've hit it big? If I were them, I'd go all Scrooge McDuck swimming in my large sums of money and when I'm bored with that have sex until I pass out with any number of beautiful women throwing themselves at me. Simply because I could. How are they not all sunshine and puppies at this point?
  
  
• TF2 64. It needs to be done.
  
  
• I did a few photoshops for Cracked.com, but never strung enough together to make any coherent theme of it here. Soooo, here:

Theme: Famous Pictures Without Pants



Theme: If Microsoft Ruled the World

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