Electoral Shock

I was trying to think of something funny/clever/ridiculous to write today and I honestly can't. The election has become all-consuming in my mind and now, just as the first polls are closing, I can't help but sit and watch. I've seen excitement today in others that is nothing short of unreal. It's infectious.

It's because of this excitement I know, before even the outcome of the election is known, this election has been a huge success. People are talking. The apathy is gone.

Finally, I feel I have a justified sense of optimism for the future of my generation, my nation, and myself. We care. I care.

Now, if only my guy will win this thing...

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VOTE!

How we should do things in 2012.
Every 4 years, there is an event that captures us as a country. The American people come together to witness and partake in the enduring qualities that make us proud to be a part of this country. And the near constant media coverage is just icing on the cake.

But since the olympics are already over, the presidential election will have to do.

I don't care if you're busy, sick, dealing with biblical weather or dead... go vote today. Especially if you're dead, because that would be really impressive. Also, illegal.

And if you're still undecided on who to vote for, remember to write in Andrew W.K., the only candidate that will fight for Sweden make-outs.

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Photoshop Flailing: Ways to improve the presidential debates

Another week, another cracked.com reader photoshop contest it seems. This week's theme is coming up with ways to improve the presidential debates. My entries are below, but you can find all the other entries here. If some of the resolutions seem funny, click the image for the full view.

Randy and Paula liked his performance, but Simon was a prick as usual.


This is an apt metaphor. People claim to be interested in NASCAR, too, but secretly they're hoping to see some serious wreckage.


LOL.


Diabeetus vs. Puddin' Pops. The ultimate debate.

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Andrew WK for president

Ladies and Gentlemen, I hereby nominate a new candidate for the presidency. A man with strong convictions. A man of the people. A man who is not afraid to tackle the big issues and has a plan to do so. I nominate, as the presidential candidate of the just-formed PARTY Party, Andrew WK:

America's been sucking pretty hard lately, and Andrew realizes that many Americans are suffering. Wars oversees, the current state of the economy, health care, failing education system, aging infrastructure, and lack of partying are all issues that we as Americans need to address. The American people need a change.

Take a look at his credentials. Andrew WK's singles include:

• Party Hard
• It's Time to Party
• Party Till You Puke
• Long Live the Party
• Make Sex

This is a man who knows how to party. Andrew pledges to turn America into one great big party. How will partying help, you ask? In several ways.

For one, America will be a huge party, which will raise our standing on the global stage. We'll gain the reputation for being the cool country. Also, we'll be reaching out more often to other countries - asking for their RSVPs. Everyone will want to be invited, as it'll be the bitchingest party ever.

Also, we can charge a cover to other countries, to pay for the cost of the party and fix the economy. We're thinking, like, $10 bucks for a keg cup at the door. Heck, if only China shows up, our economy will be solved! Of course, we're secretly hoping Sweden shows up so we can make out with her. And failing Sweden, her roommate Ireland will do.

War in Iraq? More like party in Iraq. Heck, I bet even Osama bin Laden (if he's still alive) would travel from Afghanistan to show up to that event. Boom, war's over.

So when you go to vote this November, vote for change. Vote for Sweden make-outs. Vote for Andrew WK.

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Kids need more moral fiber to keep their morals regular

A hot-button issue for me in this coming presidential campaign is the decline in morals and virtues among children these days. The news is rife with school shootings, teen pregnancy, and drug abuse. The news scares me, and I want someone make the bad stories disappear. So far, neither candidate has proposed anything in their platforms that will do that.

What I want to see is one of the candidates make sweeping reforms of the schools. Specifically, I want a Wheel of Morality installed in every school:

That way, kids would be dispensed random life lessons necessary for proper moral development. I'm talking lessons like:

• People in glass houses should get dressed with the lights out.
• Do not back up. Severe tire damage.
• If you can't say something nice you're probably at the Ice Capades.
• Never ask what hot dogs are made of.

I'm not going to explain why, because it's pretty self-explanatory, but this is exactly what kids need and I believe will help get America back on track. If any candidate can promise me a Wheel of Morality in every public school, they will have my vote.

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