The Unwind

A Strong Case Against Intelligent Life In Space

2010-08-17T10:00:00.002-04:00

No, I'm not making any scientific claims here. I'm referring to Moonbase Alpha, a online NASA simulator in which you work as part of a team of astronauts on the moon. And, like anything made with good intentions, when you set it loose upon the internet it necessarily devolves into stupidity. Awesome, hilarious stupidity.

While I haven't played the game myself, it looks fairly straight forward: work together to complete science-y type tasks in a simulated - and visually stunning - moon environment. You can pilot vehicles and interact with Communication between astronauts is done using a chat which is then spoken aloud in what I believe is Stephen Hawking's voice box. It may not seem like it, but it's a recipe for unintentional comedy gold.

I think the funniest part of the video is not what goes on in the game, but rather what I imagine what ground control must be thinking when they realize the crew they sent up there. Do they regret sending up a crew that is completely unresponsive to orders? Did they realize the crew had a collective IQ of 80 before sending them up? Is ground control worried that the crew, at any point, are just as likely to take off their helmet than they are to fix whatever needs fixing? Are they secretly hoping the astronauts take off their helmets?

I wanna know who's getting fired for letting this happen.

Video might be NSFW for Stephen Hawking sounding like he has Tourettes.

Drop it like it low grav.

The Doctor Is In (Again)

2010-08-12T22:59:00.004-04:00

So. Hi.

Life got in the way for quite some time. I could fill a book explaining all the big life-changing events that have transpired in the past however-many months I've stepped away (I'll share them soon enough). Life may still get in the way. But the point is I want to start blogging again. I missed this blog.

This blog was amazing for a few reasons. First, it got me writing. I never really did care what the final product would be, just that I was writing on a regular basis. The only rule I set for myself was that I was enjoying myself as I did it. This continuous practice of putting out complete, compelling (at least to me) thoughts made me a better communicator. And not just written communication, I became a more clear and coherent speaker during the time I was writing.

Additionally, writing sparked my creativity. When I first started this blog way back in 2008, eons ago in internet time, I was daunted by the fact that I had to write about something every day. I thought I'd run out of ideas in a week. But I didn't. I kept writing. Sure, I linked a number of videos and stories in some of my posts, but it got me writing. It got me putting pen to paper in an attempt to be interesting and attach my own views and outlooks to things.

Remember images with captions? I freaking love images with captions.
Amazingly enough, the more posts I did, the more ideas for posts I would get. I want to rekindle that kind of creative momentum.

I'm back. Now I have to make an honest man of me.

P.S. It took a friend's blog to make me realize how much I missed doing this. There was nothing inspirational or remarkable about the post per se, it just got my attention at the right time, and she seems to genuinely enjoy it. Thanks, Julie.

Going the distance

2010-04-21T00:10:00.002-04:00

The Boston Marathon came and went just yesterday. For those not familiar with how big an event this is, most of the city shuts down for it. Sure, they say it's for "Patriots' Day", a holiday I didn't think was real until moving to Massachusetts, but when you've got tens of thousands of runners making it impossible to go across town, you might as well close up shop and watch. BC gave us the day off, at any rate.

One leg of the race happened to be really close to where I live so I decided to see firsthand what a river of people actually looks like. On my way to the race, and it being a nice day, I decided to stop off for some ice cream to eat while watching. It was only when I got up to the barricade that separated the spectators from the runners did I realize that stuffing my face full of ice cream in front of people who had already put in about 22 miles of running was about the meanest thing I've ever done.

Not pictured: The Ice Cream of Shame
After then discretely eating the ice cream, I sat and watched people go by me. Lots of people. I don't know the exact number of people in the event, but I saw runners wearing numbers that were up in the mid-20,000's. This doesn't even take into consideration the non-registered runners - people who decided to hop into the race for however long and go for it.

About a half hour into this high-speed parade, it started becoming surreal. I know from friends and family that a marathon is not something you can just "decide to do". It takes an incredible amount of training and conditioning to be able to make it the full 26.2 miles. I may have only seen each runner go 50 or so yards, but each step I saw them take yesterday required hundreds or thousands in preparation. Multiply this effort by the total number of runners in the marathon, and enormity of it all was pretty humbling.

It went on like this for miles. Literally.
In the end, I'm not sure what I personally took away from the experience. On the one hand, my mind was racing with speculation as to what would motivate each of these tens of thousands of runners. Do they do it for personal pride, to show that they can? Do they run for someone else? Do they run for charity? Do they run because they want to compete, either against others or against themselves? Each runner's demeanor, labored facial expressions, and sometimes even clothing offered minor glimpses into what compelled these people to run. It was never a complete picture, but it was also hard not to be inspired.

Other the other hand, the race was a sober reminder that no matter how hard you think you are working towards something, there's always someone else working just as hard, if not harder. This isn't to say everyone raced for the same reasons, but no one seemed willing to stop short of the finish line. I saw great parallels between this reality and the one I live at business school, itself just a controlled microcosm of the business world.

Either way, it was a heck of an afternoon. Only in Boston.

Lots and Lots of Bots

2010-01-08T09:30:00.006-05:00

If the string "TF2" means nothing to you, you'd do well to pretend this post is a giant blank space. Just sayin', is all.

Yesterday, Valve released updated tweaks to their experimental bots. That's experimental in the "we're really playing around with this AI stuff, please bear with us", not experimental in the "6 Million Dollar Man" sense. These bots are by no means the finished product -they only work on certain king of the hill maps, and Valve still has not programmed 2 of the classes (Scout and Spy). So I gave them a spin on my favorite map, KOTH_Nucleus.

And no, not these bots either.
What I found was that these bots play a surprisingly adequate game of TF2. Was their AI perfect? Nope, not at all. But what I did see was bots acting sort-of-human. By no means are they as good as humans yet, but I never knew what I would find around a particular corner, and they do a decent job of prioritizing in the middle of a firefight.

If their health drops low, and they aren't in immediate danger (say, a rocket pushed them far enough away from battle) I've seen them retreat and try to get health, either from a medic, med kit or dispenser. If their team had the point, they actually went hunting for other players. Medics do an ok job of healing the people around them and don't reach for their syringe guns if an ally is near.

Heavies probably walk around spinning their guns much longer than humans would, but it's nicely balanced by their recognition and harassment of snipers that are looking to hit the slow Russians. For example, unless he's in the middle of a firefight, I more or less have to catch a heavy off-guard with my rifle, or he just turns and keeps laying cover spray at me to mess up my aim. I like this.

But they do have a few niggles:

I'm not sure if the bots walking patterns are fully baked yet. In KOTH_Nuclues, it seemed like the bots kept running into our lower-level supply door because they couldn't find the nearby stairs. Also, if a sentry was just outside our spawn room, the bots would halt as they walked by our spawn door because, rightfully, they didn't want sentry in their face. This behaviors might be purposeful "spawn camping" (a nice touch, if it is), but they might be the result of glitches in the walking AI.
Demos bots don't use their stickies. Ever. Why not? I can understand it being a pain to program how and, more importantly, where to trap effectively with stickies. But using them as mid range combat weapons? That's a no brainer.
For that matter, I would like to see these bots switch to their secondary weapons more often in general. Soldiers and pyros switch to their shotgun when the situation permits itself. Engineers use their pistols to chip away at range. The only class I saw do a good job of this was the sniper. Whenever you got near him he spams his machine gun.
Interestingly, I didn't really notice a problem with snipers showing up in all the same locations, because these locations are exactly where human snipers ~~keep pwning my ass~~ usually frequent.

It was the engineers I had a problem with. There might be only 3 or 4 locations I might expect an engineer to build, and by golly they only built there. It was always in a place that covered the capture point, and the Engineer would invariably be turtling.
This wouldn't have been a problem, if the bots actually behaved like humans. When a human sees a sentry that's kind of guarding an objective, entire team-involved strategies are devised to take that bastard out.

What do the bots do? They ignore it until it they are in its range. And when the sentries are at level 3, that's a fatal mistake. So it's up to me, man of reason, to be an elite one man strike team to take out the sentry, or more frustrating sentries, so my team can recapture the point.
Speaking of, the bots do at best an erratic job of handling me as a Spy. I don't know what I'm going to get when I see them. There are times the enemy seems willing to invite me to their child's christening. There are other times it seems like they hear my decloaking from across the other side of the map and hunt me down Jumanji style.

There are times when you can tell if they "suspect" you of being a spy. They'll keep looking at you (or, rather, keep their back from you), but more or less continue about their business. The minute you do something that would indicate you're not one of them, like stand still for too long or turn just slightly the wrong way, they'll attack you. Viciously. Valve, if the bots even have a whiff of doubt, why not have them attack the person anyway? It's what I'm used to against humans. And a hell of a lot less frustrating.

It's like they're messing with my head. Literally.

And the enemy engineers do a bad job of handling spies. If I sap their stuff, they try to wrench off the sapper instead of coming after me. Even their teammates nearby leave me alone. Of course, this means I'm free to keep sapping their stuff until it is destroyed. And even then, after his sentry is down, nobody attacks me. That needs some serious work.
While I'm still on the spy rants, they enemy bots have no concept of the Dead Ringer. They see me die and immediately forget about me. As a spy, that's not even fair.

Bottom line, if you're deficient in a class other than spy (I suck at flanking with a Scout, for example), these bots provide an adequate training ground to get you to some level of competence. Once you start beating these bots regularly as said class, then try your hand online. You'll likely still get your ass handed to you, but at least you'll have a starting point from which to build on.

The War On Drugs is Over!

2009-12-31T03:34:00.004-05:00

Thanks to Lil' Wayne, and to a less tongue-in-cheek extent The Onion, our war on drugs has come to a complete halt. The solution? Turn him loose on all the world's drugs and have him ingest them all. It was only a matter of time before authorities decided to use celebrities in the war on drugs beyond public service announcements.

The only real question is, why wasn't Keith Richards tapped for this? The man's done so many drugs that his skin has hallucinogenic properties.

The Kindness of (Former) Strangers

2009-11-24T18:42:00.003-05:00

I wrote this for my blogging duties at the BC admissions blog, but I figure I'd share here as well. I am so lucky to be at such an awesome program.

It’s not everyday that you get to see just how great of a community you’ve become a part of. My story begins just yesterday.

Before we begin, here’s a little background you may need to know: I walk to school from Brighton center, a 30 minute walk. I also carry a large backpack and a laptop bag, which conservatively has me trekking along 50 or so pounds of extra stuff. And while the dress code here at BC is business casual, I always make the trip in sneakers (just more comfortable that way).

Yesterday started as any other for me. I woke up reluctantly fighting my alarm clock, took a shower, grabbed some pop-tarts and it was off to school. I was fairly preoccupied thinking about the Economics midterm I had later that day that the time just seemed to fly by. Before I knew it, I was near the BC T-stop, getting ready to cross the street when all of a sudden, I noticed my shoe was coming untied. Fairly annoyed by it, I decided to tie it once and for all when I got across the street. But just I started to bend down to tie my shoe…

“AHHHH!” I shouted loud enough for people within a half-mile radius to hear me. I sprained my back. How could I have not thought to take off my stuff? Ok, time to think. I’m almost at class, let me just see if I can hobble- OW, nope that’s not going to work.

Thankfully, being so close to school, I ran into a few of my classmates. They were gracious enough to take my bags and limp with me for about as far as I could go. This turned out to be a distance of about 50 feet - I was in that much pain. Shortly thereafter came even more aid - another classmate saw us as he was driving and gave us a lift. We were able to drive up to the top floor of a nearby parking garage, thereby greatly shortening our walk to Fulton. With their help, I was able to limp into my seat and got through my IT class where I literally didn’t move in my seat for the next 2 hours.

As soon as class ended, I planned to go see health services. Note I used the word “planned” here because I never even made it out of the classroom. I tried, but after walking a few feet I realized my back had tightened during class and made moving on it even worse. I had to sit back down. Our IT professor, Professor Fichman, then called health services for me and wheeled me in the chair I was sitting to the back of Fulton hall. There, I waited with another one of my classmates for an ambulance that would take me to a hospital (health services knew they couldn’t do anything for me). They stood there with me for 20 minutes in the cold, just to make sure I was ok.

Later, at the hospital, I realized I wasn’t going to make it back in time for my Economics mid-term. Several classmates were willing to tell the professor my situation and see what I could do about making it up. I was even able to speak to the professor afterwards, and he was completely understanding. After my stay at the hospital, yet another classmate came from their mid-term and picked me up to take me home because, by this time, I was on some heavy pain medication and couldn’t get there myself.

I’m the kind of person who hates to feel helpless. My back may still sprained, but I would be far worse off if it weren’t for the concern, the support, and the help of countless classmates and professors. My belief in the strength of the Boston College community has increased tenfold, all from the small acts of kindness from these former strangers.

This is not the pain meds talking when I say that these are some of the absolute best people you could ever hope to surround yourself with.

Left 4 Rage 2

2009-11-18T02:53:00.006-05:00

I'm about to preface this rant with saying, unequivocally, that Left 4 Dead 2 is an excellent game. It is well worth your time and money to go out and buy it, even this soon after L4D was launched, and I've only seen a small fraction of what it has to offer.

The vast amount of new weapons, power ups and boosts make for unique and changing styles of play, not just your shottie/sniper/rifle config of the previous title. New boss infected really change things up, especially when they start working in evil, evil, tandem. And the new, non-stationary trigger events are really the bees knees - no longer do you just turtle-up, you have to go somewhere to end the event.

Again, I haven't seen all this game has yet to offer, but I'm incredibly happy with my purchase and think this is one of the better gaming experiences I could have with friends. The operative phrase there being with friends.

Seeing as all of my friends were either 1) offline, or b) haven't yet purchased the game, I decided to give it a go in the single player campaign. On normal mode. Turns out even on this setting the AI, can still be mind numbingly stupid.

This was me, Coach, the lone beacon of competency and probably the only one of my group that deserved to be saved.
The inherent problem is that the AI takes no initiative. None. 0. You couldn't get them to pick up a $1 million pile of cash sitting on the other side of the room unless you started doing it yourself. To Valve's credit, I didn't even really notice this shortcoming most of the time. I did my thing, my group backed me up. Awesome sauce.

But then, we got to a mall. And in this mall, was a door with a security alarm - a trigger event! In it, once I open the door, it's a mad dash up to the third floor to deactivate the alarm. Until you deactivate it, all of the zombies in the entire state of Louisiana, all of whom just so happen to be in the mall too, keep bum rushing you.

Something in this equation caused my team to go full retard. Valve, you never go full retard. If I could have written out the script for how this went down, it would have gone something like this.

Coach: Ok, guys, when I open this door, we need to get up to the 3rd floor and shut off the alarm. If we don't, we're going to die plain and simple. You guys got it?

All: Got it!

::opens the door::

Coach: Ok, let's get to the escalator!

Ellis: God damn it, I can't hear you, this buzzing is too loud. What about a calculator?

Rochelle: Not calculator, stupid, escalat- OH SHIT, are they having a sale at Victoria's Secret? Hang on, guys, I'll be right back.

Ellis: Actually, hold up, I might have a calculator somewhere in the gear!

Coach: What? No! Guys! Follow me, we have to get going.

Ellis: What would you even need a calculator for in a time like this?

Coach: I DON'T! What I need is some fucking support as we get our asses upstairs.

Ellis: Hang on, lemme ask this guy over here if he has a calculator.

Coach: THAT'S A ZOMBIE ::shoots zombie before Ellis can get to him::

Ellis: Well, now how am I going to ask him about a calculator?

Rochelle: [from a distance] ...Ellis! You got that calculator? I need to know how much I'm spending over here. Budgets and all that.

Coach: GAH! Ok, Nick, you'll help me right? Follow me.

Nick: You got it!

::Nick and Coach walk to the base of the escalator. Coach goes up, but Nick stays at the bottom::

Coach: What the? Nick, get your ass up here!

Nick: But the escalator's not working.

Coach: I know it ain't working, just walk up here!

Nick: Is it safe?

Coach: WHAT DO YOU MEAN IS IT SAFE? If I could get my fat black ass up here, you sure as hell can.

Nick: I dunno... I mean, it isn't running or anything.

Coach: This is the zombie apocalypse, Nick, not Black Friday. Make fucking due. It's just stairs, for chrissakes!

Nick: All the same, I think I'm going to wait for a technician. I would hate to die in something so stupid as an escalator accident.

Ellis: [in the background] My, you guys are the friendliest people I've ever met! Hugs for everyone!

Coach: I can't fucking believe this.

Rochelle: [walking up behind Nick] Hey, Coach, you have any cash on you? I left my wallet at home and I found the nicest little-

Coach: OH FUCK YOU ALL, I'LL DO IT MYSELF.

::Coach gets halfway to the next escalator when a Charger incapacitates him. Coach has only one regret just before dying: that he wasn't able to kill the rest of his team himself::

End.

This might be funny if it didn't play out like this 3 times in a row. First time I ever ragequitted from a single player game before.

Dear Dr. Ruth...

2009-10-28T23:48:00.003-04:00

Rare is the joke or gag or schtick or whatever that makes me laugh no matter how many times I see it. I tend to think that this "letter" written to love columnist Dr. Ruth, a rough on the eyes sex therapist, is nothing but a joke. But a joke I'm not going to ever stop laughing at.

What makes this so brilliant is imagining the poor unfortunate woman as she's writing this letter. I honestly am not even sure that last sentence is supposed to be sarcastic or not. You decide.

via Reddit

Pure epic

2009-10-01T07:59:00.003-04:00

History is rife with examples of how two awesome things are put together to form an even more awesomer thing: peanut butter and chocolate; rock and roll; Stephen Hawking and speak-and-spells. This 2-combo bar has been the gold standard for thousands of years of human history.

Until today.

Some grand alchemist decided he would go for the impossible. He would combine not two awesome things together, but 3. Mad, is he? Sure, I'm sure he got that a lot in his quest for human combo advancement. I'm sure his kids cried little kid tears when father wouldn't come home again because he's set afire with purpose and flashes of insight.

So I humbly present to you, something unimaginably epic - a video game that combines Pheonix Wright, Elite Beat Agents, and Queen.

The most ridiculous mashup of video games and pop culture EVER

2009-09-16T01:00:00.002-04:00

Dear god, my head is going implode. Kinda like a reverse pinata, only instead of candy my head is full of lulz. And these lulz collapse into singularity. Which would make them more like the letter "K" if you squint really hard. That's what singularity means, right? Oh god, my brain is so bork right now.

The good news is if the Heavy Weapons Guy's career as a Billy Mays replacement doesn't pan out, you know MTV'll probably have some work for him.

What playing football has taught me about my MBA program (and I haven't even started class yet!)

2009-09-03T23:45:00.004-04:00

I'm currently applying for a student blogger position at Boston College's MBA website. Since I like reusing my work whenever possible, I thought I'd share the sample I sent in here. Enjoy!

I am a first year student. And at the time of this writing, I haven't spent minute one in the classroom. What I know of my upcoming academic experience has been gathered in the form of testimonials, hearsay, and grim warnings. It's a vision of first years toiling away in break out rooms and all but sleeping at Fulton Hall 5+ days a week. It demands all that you can give and then some. You will be constantly challenged throughout the year.

Having played in high school and college, I believe football is a pretty good parallel. While the games are all typical fans are exposed to, they represent only a fraction of the sweat, hard work and dedication put in by the players. There are practices, team meetings, films, off season work out routines, and grueling summer camps - a year round regime that demands all the player can give and then some. Players are constantly challenged throughout the year (though these challenges usually manifest as 260+ lb linemen).

Ray Lewis, one of the nfl all time great linebackers, represents Accounting. You don't even want to know what the metaphor for Statistics is.
I strongly suspect the solution to tackling the first year of school here at the Carrol School of Management is the same one I discovered for playing football: give it your all and have fun.

My fellow first years and I may get (figuratively) dinged up, bruised, and battered. We may all very well exhausted every night. But if we're doing it right, if we're really getting the most out of our experience here, there's no reason we can't be smiling the whole time. I know I will be.

Holy crap you guys, I'm going to school

2009-09-01T08:31:00.004-04:00

Shortly after the posting of this... uh, post, I'll be moving to Boston to pursue my MBA. This is a dream 3+ years in the making, having been rejected from all applied schools years earlier. I'm super excited to get into the swing of things, even though I'm woefully unprepared. I hear this experience is akin to drinking from a fire hose - so I say let 'er rip!

However, this post is also bittersweet. If you've ever drank from a fire hose, first off what the hell is wrong with you? But more importantly, you know that in the battle between your balance and the deluge of water, the water's gonna win. I honestly don't know what amount of free time I'll have, which means I don't know what ability I have to write here on The Unwind.

This blog has been a tremendous help to me as a writer, allowing me to hone my writing craft, and as a creative outlet. I do hope to continue here, but as of right now I have to put it on tentative hiatus.

In case I can't come back to it, thank you for stopping by. I hope you've had as much fun reading this blog as I did writing it.

Do you know the number to heaven?

2009-08-31T01:36:00.003-04:00

I saw this on the great G4 television show Web Soup, and I needed to share it here.

So imagine you got a movie contest premise. It has to be 30 seconds long, feature a monster, someone under 18 years old and the word "fantastic". What would you come up with? Go ahead, think about it. I'll be right here.

Still need a minute? No problem.

Got it now? Good. Now throw your idea away because there is no way you're on enough drugs to top this movie (you're still able to read, after all). This could quite possibly be the most WTF thing I've ever seen in my many years on the internet. Also, I love it.

Smile, you're on camera!

2009-08-28T03:15:00.003-04:00

Ever go to Walmart, only to see some really creepy individual shopping? Would you like to see more of him/her? How about many different versions of him/her? Now you can, delivered right to the very computer that you're using right now!

I'm talking, of course, about the website People of Walmart.

It's got your average, run-of-the-mill creepy. It's got your take-3-showers-to-feel-clean-again creepy. It's got your absurd, ridiculous and just plain "wtf". There's something here for every voyeur too lazy to go to his local Walmart.

I'm wonder just when this site will feature a naked man in a trench coat. It's this idea's logical conclusion and, quite honestly, just a matter of time.

Peekaboo!

2009-08-27T10:54:00.004-04:00

I know I've been talking a lot about Team Fortress 2 here. I swear I'm not a TF2 blog, it's just... well, I'm heading to grad school soon and I don't know if I'll have the time to play it. So I've been playing it more often than usual pre-emptively in case I don't have the time to be a gamer anymore.

When I saw this video, I was instantly intrigued by a new game mode someone's created called Prop Hunt. Essentially it's hide and seek, done TF2 style. Set in arena maps, the RED team has about 30 or seconds to hide from the BLU team, then the BLU team has the remaining time to go forth and slaughter. Sounds simple, right?

Nope. The BLU team, default pyro (though you can switch to heavy, another good choice), takes damage everytime they fire their weapons. So it pays to conserve instead of W+M1. Yes, you can pull the trigger so much you die. To augment this, periodically the capture point is "refreshed" and you can touch it for full health. The brilliance of this is that it takes you away from the hunt.

Oh, yeah, and it's called prop hunt. The RED team, forcibly scouts, are all turned into random map props as soon as the round begins. We're talking palm trees, buckets, doors, wood piles, hay - whatever is native to the map. Actually, the worst things to be forced to hide as are capture points (BLU always checks the point and you always look out of place anywhere else) and BLU pyros - you hold no gun and don't have the same running animations the other BLU pyros do.

The outcome of all this is interesting. RED's advantage, aside from being a prop, is its speed and mobility. I can't tell you the number of times I've spotted and lit a hider, only to have him run away from me before I could kill him. But what BLU lacks in speed, it makes up for in numbers - once a prop is out and running, you can see everyone scramble to cut off angles and kill it.

It's amazing to see what can be done with a little creativity and the patience to create a new game mode. Wholly recommended.

8-bit tripping

2009-08-26T10:22:00.003-04:00

Stop motion video is a medium that has always fascinates me. You set up a picture, take it, then work to set up the next picture that's only slightly different than the one before so as to create motion. Rinse and repeat. Because the effort required to produce even a small amount of video is enormous, it's almost always a labor of love. And that's usually reflected in the video itself.

Case in point, 8-bit Trip. Someone (or several someones, more likely) spent 1,500 hours assembling and disassembling Lego blocks to create some amazing 8-bit esque video. The results are stunning.

Stop having a boring head, stop having a boring life.

2009-08-25T08:39:00.004-04:00

Like many people, in TF2 one of the things I find most frustrating (aside from repeatedly getting schooled) is not having hats. I have one. There are a total of 30 if you count the hatless hats. Doing the math, I need some more fucking hats.

You like my hat, chuckle-nuts?
The only way to unlock them is to play TF2. Like, a lot of TF2, because hats drop about as frequently as Beastie Boys albums. But what do you do if you don't have the time to play 20 hours a day?

That's when you something like SteamStats, an idler. It allows you to be "logged into" TF2 using a fake server and just sits there. It's not nearly as computer resource intensive as just chilling in an idle server, so keeping it up and running is just a matter of not playing anything on Steam while you go about your business or just leaving your computer on.

Items drop about 5-6 times a day, and so far I've received no hats, but just the fact that I now have a greater chance to get my beloved camera beard makes this full of win. Enjoy your hats.

Best. Cake. Ever.

2009-08-23T16:19:00.004-04:00

This weekend brought about a going away party for me, in which a lot of my friends and family were able to make it. And while I haven't been able to fully debrief all people there, the general consensus was that it was a rip-roaring good time.

The best part of the whole thing? I got cakerolled. I know I shared this on Twitter previously, but it's so full of win (and ice cream) that I have to devote some space on this blog towards it. This post is its posthumous shrine.

My girlfriend is the best for having this made. Totally have to marry her after this.

Dance Dance Evolution

2009-08-20T11:24:00.003-04:00

Wikipedia defines the Lindy Hop as:

...an African American dance, based on the popular Charleston and named for Charles Lindbergh's Atlantic crossing in 1927. It evolved in New York City in the 1920s and '30s and originally evolved with the jazz music of that time. Lindy was a fusion of many dances that preceded it or were popular during its development but is mainly based on jazz, tap, breakaway and Charleston. It is frequently described as a jazz dance and is a member of the swing dance family.

I would have used the more succinct "awesome", but that's me. What about you?

My Life is Average

2009-08-19T09:35:00.004-04:00

No, that's not commentary on my own life (I lead an awesome life), but rather an awesome website in which people recount their tales of averageness. My Life is Average is very similar in layout and structure to FMyLife, but instead of stories of cheating and otherwise getting dumped on, MLIA's takes have an endearing childlike innocence about them. Also, they're pretty damn funny.

For example:

Today at work we got a new vacuum cleaner. It straps onto your back and has a hand-held nozzle with which to vacuum. I am officially a Ghostbuster. MLIA

It's like discovering an entire community of people that think exactly like I do. It's good to be average.

http://mylifeisaverage.com/

Things that should not be: Poo Trap

2009-08-18T02:23:00.005-04:00

Do you have a dog? Does it poop? Do you hate your dog? If you've answered yes to all three, then this product is for you. It's the Poo Trap, a device that catches poo that comes out of your dog. Finally, a device that strips you and your dog away from any remaining dignity.

Long live the king! (of the hill)

2009-08-17T11:16:00.003-04:00

So the new TF2 classless update hit last Friday, and I've had about a weekends worth of time to digest it. With it came hats, a new play mode, new ctf and arena maps, and a metric crapton of tweaks. Here's my (obligatory) two cents:

What Valve did right:
Hats. While they're a pain in the ass to get, the option to give your character a little more customization is a welcomed one (camera beard ftw) . Now if only I could get myself some of those freaking hats...

CTF_Sawmill. I never was a fan of arena Sawmill, but take out a couple of the side attack routes and it plays very nicely as a capture the flag map. Only slight niggle is that the map is so open and with plenty of water on both sides of the map, that pyros tend to be underpowered on this map.

Sandman tweaks. Un-freaking-believable what they did. Scout now can double jump with the Sandman, but can no longer stun uber-charged enemies. Also, there's a significant health penalty, dropping the Scouts health to only 95 hp. This means taking one rocket to the face, not even a crit rocket, usually means you explode. This change is amazing for 2 reasons:

No longer are people limited to the Force-a-nature / Sandman combo. Most people (myself included) teamed the two items together to help compensate for the Sandman's lack of double jump. Now Scouts are free to choose either scattergun.
The decrease in health actually forces Scouts to play as, well, Scouts. It's easier to learn how to play any class when you can vividly see your mistakes. What better way than dying just about every time you make one as a Scout? That's what the 95 hp represents - a learning tool. Jump in, deal quick damage, jump out. Learn the value of making the other team chase you and not take your objectives/engage your team.

King of the Hill - I really love this play mode. You and your team try to capture a central point and have your timer reach 0 before the other team's. Simple, yet maddeningly frustrating at times. Plus, shortly after the release the announcer kept shouting "overtime" which was hilarious. But most of all, what's great about King of the Hill is...

koth_nucleus - This map was made for King of the Hill. It's small and incredibly well balanced. The capture point is literally inaccessible until its unlocked which has the added bonus of preventing one team from camping it. There's no good place for a sentry nest, yet it doesn't preclude the engineer from setting up shop somewhere - its defenses are just not impregnable like in some other maps. So much fun to be had in this map.

What Valve did wrong:
King of the Hill nests - In koth_Viaduct, and to a lesser extent koth_Sawmill, the matches are usually won not by the team with the most skilled players, but the one that establishes its nest first. There are a few spots on these maps that are perfect for it, and that's the problem. If the other team's sentry is at level 3 and the teleporters are up, good luck turning the tide (unless the other team is really bad at protecting their stuff). Remove those nests, Valve.

Alternatively, I'd love to try Viaduct and Sawmill as-is on a server that doesn't allow engineers. THAT would be interesting.

Arena mode - It got replaced. Much like the Medic's Blutsaugher to the Syringe Gun, King of the Hill almost completely replaces it. Sure, I may indulge Arena from time to time to get a Counterstrike-esque feel, but even with the nesting problem King of the Hill is more fun than Arena.

Rocket jumping / Force-a-nature jumping - While I haven't tried these out for myself, servers chatter was alive with complaints on how Soldiers were unable to reach places they normally could with a rocket jump, or how the Scout's "triple jump" with the force-a-nature is more or less taken from them. I guess I didn't see the need for this, Valve. Why change what wasn't really broken?

Overtime! OVERTIME! overTIME! OVER time! ...overtime! OvErTiMe! oVertime! OVERTIME! OvErtImE! Come on, Valve, you didn't need to patch this shortly after the update. I may be alone in thinking it, but it was welcomed unintentional hilarity, and really gave life to the otherwise unknown Announcer.

Summary
Overall, there's a lot to be excited about in this update. While I'd always love me some new unlockables for a class (Demoman, plz), the Scout plays like a brand new class with the changes made so I can't really complain too much. Not perfect, but few things are. 9.5/10

This marketing plan is the shit

2009-08-14T03:17:00.003-04:00

Hey marketers! Want to really reach out and connect with the young generation and show them what a wonderful product it is you have? Why not supply them with some infotainment they can see in their normal communication channels. Viral videos these days are all the rage, but you're savvy enough to know that for a video to catch on, it needs to be something worth talking about. What do you do?

Well, if you're the people behind msi laptops, you strip the internet down to its essence and portray your product in that scenario. Yes, I'm talking about making a video of a team of spandex clad youngsters, who look like they're having the time of their lives catching your laptops in their butts. Wait, what?

I COULDN'T MAKE THIS UP IF I TRIED.

Seriously, Apple?

2009-08-13T09:38:00.003-04:00

I must have missed this in the whole "let's make our iPods really obnoxiously smaller" phase of the brand, but Apple legitmately thought that its users were going to eat the iPod Shuffle. No, seriously, you can google it.

I know Apple's all about controlling the user experience and making sure it's easy to use even for the, shall we say, less-technically inclined of us. But to think they'd eat the electronics is a little bit of a stretch.

This guy seems legit...

2009-08-12T01:30:00.003-04:00

I found it! The most inappropriate video ever. And it comes from The Onion, much like you'd expect. It's a morning show piece with an ex-pedophile giving tips on how to make your kids less attractive. It'll make you laugh so hard you'll realize just how sick of a human being you are.

GOOD JOB, ONION

Lost in Translation: Funny People

2009-08-11T09:33:00.003-04:00

I've watched Funny People (applause). And, like any person with an opinion and a soapbox, I'm going let you know what I think. Instead of sharing with you my thoughts (far too easy), I've translated them once again into Japanese and back again via way of Babelfish. Enjoy!

Misnomer.

The strange people are the movie concerning the comedian who never really does not hit to large and. Oh truly, secretly laughing, the movie concerning the comedian who brags about the power where this casting ones are strange - especially 1 - being consistent, when it is stranger, the large number of joke it had smile on my surface, but many there is the point which differs in the movie which makes, thinks.

The movie itself was in some genre, it could not define. On the one hand, as for that comedian who's concerning it possessed the element of the story of rather good growth; which exactly obtains that large being broken eye. The love story of those which obtain the change which leaves remain, that's arrange subpar at the very most. This time being clear, throw the help of accumulation of the old drama.

And however, every one of that is clumsy, it seems that disorder does not work exactly together with the enormous lump. In its movie the way because it seems the way, it is strange or, either one which goes somewhere. It reverses. There are no all assemblies or the punch line.

Just Seth of the entire movie was Rogen passing possible. While believing, that me it is the actor where he really is strange, he is clumsy, it seems that is the majority of all that elements. As for me lion you must say as for the share of laughing supporting position, all people you. The empty it came we which is heard never perhaps (certainly me didn't). Appreciating, that this movie won't it means the loom of on those remaining for carrier.

I remain the theater completely to regret the fact that you see, the movie which leases me whom perhaps it had the chestnut it probably will return. Favor to do you yourself, this just that time you see re-curiosity does not remove the forcing or the money for that from the shell.

Sanity 'splosion

2009-08-10T10:24:00.005-04:00

Gotta love vacation. Time to recharge the batteries and kick back. And, for myself, it's also another week of perusing the internet and seeing what the internet cat (technically a tiger) dragged in.

The always awesome Jaz McDougall turned me onto not one, but two awesome oddities. First, Shatner explains why Captain Kirk is climbing a mountain, embedded below. Ok, it's just an old Shatner interview, and Shatner was pretty out there himself, but it's spliced even further to turn the insanity up to 11. Oh, and it's set to super catchy techno music. HARD MODE: try and get the song out of your head once you let it wash over you.

Also, Translation Party has to be one of the greatest wastes of time ever. It stirs up huge waves of nostalgia as it does all the work of translating things from English into Japanese and back over and over again until "equilibrium" is found (where the phrases never change when transformed). I've, of course, taken the liberty of translating the Shatner vid using Translation Party. The results can be found below:

Captian Kirk, why he is climbing a mountain climber?
Captian Kirk, why he is climbing a mountain climber?
Captian Kirk, why he is climbing a mountain climber?
Captian Kirk, why he is climbing a mountain climber?

To hug the mountain
Wrapped around the mountain
To hug the mountain
Wrapped around the mountain
Mountains and Mt.
He is fond of mountains

Young people and a tough body, uhh, little finger and toe locks sinewed
Challenge of Death
Or climb a mountain? Because I love.

Kirk, the incident occurred between the mountains and passion
This is in the mountains KAKUKAKU

Now, to create the illusion
Attractive, it is to understand the meaning of the increased appetite that it is difficult
And this mountain, putting me
Captian Kirk, why he is climbing a mountain climber?
Captian Kirk, why he is climbing a mountain climber?
Captian Kirk, why he is climbing a mountain climber?
Captain Kirk is climbing. Please wait.

To hug the mountain
Wrapped around the mountain
To hug the mountain
Wrapped around the mountain
Mountains and Mt.
He is fond of mountains

Maeba still matters
In front of me some people here

Death of Rock Challenge
Or climb a mountain? Because I love.

Bomb has been planted (in your mind)

2009-08-06T23:02:00.003-04:00

Counterstrike, for all intents and purposes, was the game that really introduced me to this whole "online gaming" thing. Sure, other games had gone online, and I understood how that was a good thing intellectually, but it wasn't until I got the thrill of pwning noobs and talking shit over voice chat did I really fall in love.

Better still, this was all done at my college (I was a late bloomer with the online gaming) with a tight community of players about 30 strong. It was cool to live this double life of student and ~~awp whore~~ elite tactical agent. Even cooler was when you and other members of this community, previously anonymous to one another, discovered one another about campus. Granted I took (and still take) an unoriginal handle, but "Oh shit, you're Baker?" was a question that started some fairly interesting conversations.

Suffice it to say, while I don't play it much anymore, Counterstrike still holds a very soft spot in my heart. So when my cousin turns to me this vacation and tells me there's "this Counterstrike frag video" I have to see, I gave it a look. Not since a particular TF2 video (hint: THE AWESOME ONE (hint hint: MASS AI (while (true)))) have I awed at a video this hard.

While I suspect some aimbotting was done to make the video - noone's THIS accurate in CS - the editing and music and sheer awesomeness of the video more than compensate. This one's turned up to 11.

ahhh, I love programming humor. If (user = "gets it"){Do (laugh);} else{break;}

PSA: How to reset your sleep cycle

2009-08-04T01:19:00.004-04:00

I am a horrible, horrible sleeper. Not because the quality of the sleep is lacking, but because my body has a horrible clock for these sorts of things. I get it erratically, at different points of the day, for differing amounts. Much like the XKCD strip, I seriously considered just telling people I lived in different time zones.

But science, good 'ol science, seems to have found a way to reset your body clock: stop eating. For about 12-16 hours prior to when you want your body wake up, don't eat. So if I want to set my "morning" to be, say 5 PM, I stop eating at 1-5 AM and try to wake up at 5 PM. When you wake up and your body is nice and hungry, eat a really good, healthy breakfast. Your body receives the food and thinks "WHY THE HELL ISN'T THIS BACON?". I mean, "it's morning".

More details and science-y stuff can be found here:
http://www.wisebread.com/how-to-naturally-reset-your-sleep-cycle-overnight

This is one of those odd things that, while I haven't empirically verified for myself, passes the "smell test". While my sleep clock may be unreliable (read: broken), my stomach is fucking military precision on when it tells me to eat. Even more impressive, it sounds like Sgt. Hartman from Full Metal Jacket when it's trying to tell me it's hungry. I don't dare cross my stomach for fear that it'll make me choke myself.

But possibly, if I can trick it to anchoring around a new "morning" by timing my breakfast, my stomach should continue to do an excellent job in telling me when lunch, dinner and "time for bed" is. I'mma give it go!

Craig Ferguson is my new hero

2009-07-31T00:02:00.000-04:00

Admittedly, I don't watch much television these days. Not in the traditional sense, at least. Hulu, I'm convinced, is a magical place where television is brought to my computer when I want it. I swear to god, their service must be powered by unicorns or leprechauns or something.

When I do watch tv, however, I usually end up watching the late shows. One such show that I enjoy is the Craig Ferguson show. He has a quirky sense of humor, razor-sharp wit and keen insights into the world. For the record, these are good things. They make him edgy and fresh in a sea of similarity. Or maybe they just make him Scottish. I don't know.

Either way, he's easily becoming one of my favorites to watch when I actually do watch late night TV. And this bit is only cementing his mantle. In this monologue, he explains how he figured out why everything sucks. And it's nothing short of amazing.

In the interest of full disclosure, I've written this article a day in advance. I only hope that Youtube hasn't taken this clip down, because as one friend accurately described, it's "like mainlining on insight".

The Unwind on vacation (maybe)

2009-07-31T00:01:00.000-04:00

Attention reader:

I am going on vacation like I mentioned previously. Because I'm a man of my word. I'm a man of many words, mostly because I need them to convey my thoughts. On this blog. Do you understand what I'm getting at? I'm getting some time to get away, get it?

I'll have internet access and, presumably, more coherence while away on this trip next week. Expect updates, but not regularly.

And remember, alliteration is always your friend.

Signed,
The Management

MMO Pitch Party

2009-07-30T02:18:00.006-04:00

FUN FACT: I checked on Urban Dictionary to make sure that a "pitch party" isn't some slang term for something more lewd. I'll get started on the entry.

Pretend you're a Hollywood bigwig. You have a vast portfolio of intellectual properties, consisting primarily of movies, and you want to make more money off it to fuel your uncontrollable habit of hookers and blow. It's now time to cash in on the profitable gaming market.

From what you can tell, this "video game" thing is a gold mine. Why, some game called World of Warcraft has like 8 million something people paying every month to play that game. And they're not even backed by your popular movies! You could probably get 20 million people at least playing your game.

Ok, all horrible assumptions aside, what are we going to turn into a video game?

The Shawshank Redemption - Join a particular prison gang and level up by sneaking drugs and other contraband in your ass (I'm sorry, "coin purse"). Shank targets of rival gangs, or try and plan your escape from prison. Either way, immerse yourself in a persistent, (n)ever changing universe complete with gray walls and mandated rec time.

It's like ol' Red said: get busy grinding, or get busy dying. Or something to that effect.
Office Space - Fill out TPS reports and try to one-up your boss. Whatever you do, be sure not to aggro too many co-workers or you'll be forced into a meeting. Equip yourself with the legendary Red Swingline and get ready to fight another instance of the Mondays.
Snakes on a Plane - A multiplayer Sim Airplane with snakes and Samuel L. Jackson shouting at you for no real reason.
V for Vendetta - This will be the first game to intentionally evolve over time. At the game's launch, players will be able to enact cold-blooded revenge against oppressive authority figures in near-future Britain. All while using an innovative new combat system.

2 weeks later, 4chan arrives and it all goes to hell. Then you get to crusade against mudkipz and facepalm text macros in Guy Fawkes masks.
Momento - This game would actually stick closer to standard MMO conventions, with one exception: there is no linear leveling progression. First you start at level 1. Then you jump up to level 99 (the game's max). Then back to level 2. Then 98. Eventually, you'll stabilize at level 50 and at that point wonder why the hell you played the game so long in the first place. Just like the movie.
Slumdog Millionaire - A quiz-show based MMO, only your brother gets shot when you advance to a certain level. Of course, you could just rez him, but that'll cost one of your lifelines.
James Bond (any of them) - An MMO in which you assume the role of one of MI-6's top secret agents. Customize your agent with various suits and disguises as you infiltrate terrorist organizations. Collect powerful gadgets and exotic STD's ("epic mounts" earn you double XP) as you try to save the world from yet another near-catastrophe.
Dr. Horrible's Sing-a-long Blog - You're a evil super villain hell bent on making a name for yourself and challenging the status quo (because the status is definitely not quo). Players can dabble in various skill trees including, but not limited to: internet savvy, evil genius, carrying a tune, and evil laugh.

Sad thing is, though these may make bad MMOs, they're still more appealing to me than the Twilight MMO.

MMOmg

2009-07-29T10:33:00.003-04:00

Hey, do you like video games? Video games you can play online with people, as in massively multiplayer online games? Excellent! You've come to the right place!

But do you also like the movie Twilight? If so, get the hell out of here. Seriously, this blog isn't for you.

Twilight, for those not in the know, is a story about a vampire (Edward) who, over the course of a few books, ends up being strong-armed into an eternal marriage and a kid with some crazy chick (Bella). Sure, the book claims he was in love with her, but this dude has been around for over 100 years - he's probably had his pick of the litter for some time now... why would he give that up? And for Bella to be actively seeking out a supernatural race of people who like to feed on blood (you know, the stuff in her body) is just plain dumb. Darwin Award-worthy dumb.

If you want to know how I know all this, well I had to do some research on Edward not too long ago. It was also the time that I found out I could have an allergic reaction to a Wikipedia page.

Ok, so what's the point?

Well, rhetorical device, the point is someone's trying to put these two ideas together to form an unholy union that is the Twilight MMO. Finally, an MMO that will suck literally and figuratively.

It's still in the early stages of development, where I'm hoping sunlight will kill it. If you're interested in learning more, the game's website plays a first-soothing, later-irritating song in the background while you try and pick at the games' details. Maybe you level up at Hot Topic or something. I don't know. What I do know is that I threw up a little in my mouth when I was first alerted to this.

Tomorrow I'll be pitching other movies/tv shows that would make horrible MMOs but still would somehow be more fun than this.

Don'tcha know

2009-07-28T11:02:00.003-04:00

I'm not dead. Yet. Sorry for the delay. My vacation to New Hampshire was amazing, though it did leave a blog-sized void in my life that I hope now to fill.

For those unfamiliar with American politics - and I don't blame you if you're not, it's like a bad soap opera, except real - Sarah Palin, the recent Vice Presidential candidate in our last elections, had resigned from her governorship in Alaska some time ago with aspirations of running for some greater office. Now, say what you will about her platforms, but the prospect of this scares me. She's about as qualified for the presidency as I am to go outside and fly an F-15 bomber. We'll both crash and burn spectacularly, but I'm likely to create fewer casualties.

Unknown to me, she gave a resignation speech that was described by some as "rambling and sometimes confusing". Normally this would be non-noteworthy, but the great Conan O'Brien had seen the truth in her speech. He posits that it was not really a speech at all, but rather a very beautiful and image-laden poem.

And of course to "awesome it up", like Conan's apt to do, he had none other than William Shatner read the poem. It's like his infamous Rocketman reading, except real (and therefore more inherently sad).

The Unwind On Vacation - shameless parting plug edition

2009-07-22T11:09:00.005-04:00

I'm going to be away from the internets for the rest of the week, taking one of two vacations left planned for the summer. Fortunately, the next vacation has internet access so the flow of ~~crap~~ consciousness that spews forth likely won't be as interrupted, if at all.

While I'm gone, you can enjoy all of the good inanity and ranting on The Fair Use Law Podcast as usual (and hey, subscribe to us via iTunes while you're at it).

Or, you could check out some of my work over at Top Cultured, which I still write for on occasion. The picture I made of Edward Cullen in my latest article still makes me lol when I see it. FYI, I only really write to entertain myself - your entertainment is just a nice by-product.

Shameless plug time OVER. See you on Monday.

7 Habits of Highly Effective Twitterers

2009-07-21T08:45:00.003-04:00

Time and time again, I find one of the biggest barriers people have to joining Twitter is that they don't "get it". And time and time again, I struggle to succinctly convey its value. The value is there that anyone using the service can appreciate, to be sure, but since Twitter is so free form and so open-ended, this "value" can mean wildly different things to different people.

Twitter is something you just have to jump into and explore for yourself to really understand why you'd want to be there in the first place.

Whether you're new to Twitter, or been using the service for a while now, the following link is an article that very nicely articulates how to get more out of your Twitter experience.

7 Habits of Highly Effective Twitterers

I have no idea what's going on

2009-07-20T08:18:00.002-04:00

No, seriously. I have no idea what's going on in this video. Is he made of rubber? Does he have a detachable jaw? How did he find out he could do this in the first place? Did he train? If so, why? Is this ability useful for eating? Has he ever accidentally swallowed a child?

My mind is bork pondering these unponderables.

Of Wizards and Men

2009-07-16T23:45:00.003-04:00

I find myself in an interesting cross section of popular culture. I enjoy the Harry Potter series enough to watch the movies, but not enough to forge ahead and read (devour?) the books. And since I'm about the only person in this demographic, either you don't care to see the movies or I'm not going to be spoiling anything for you having read the books.

This is what we call in the blogosphere a spoiler alert.

Ok class, let's try to ONE have a lab that doesn't involve someone's death.
The Half-Blood Prince was a good divergence in movie from the other previous ones in that it really felt like there was no closure at the end of the movies. Previous films all left me with that same episodic feeling, like Harry triumphed over Voldemort once again - but he'll be back another day. Kinda like how The Claw from Inspector Gadget always shouted "I'll get you next time, Gadget! Next time!" as he made his escape.

In this movie, things got real. Over the course of the movie, you see an interesting playout of Dumbledore and Voldemort infiltrating one another's ranks and trying to out maneuver one another. Dumbledore knows he's missing crucial information needed to defeat Voldemort, one a former teacher has. This teacher is reluctant to give up the goods, as they say, and after much persuasion, Harry finds out how to defeat Voldemort: destroy the horcruxes - things that contain Voldemort's soul.

Meanwhile, Snape is infiltrating the Death Eaters - Voldemort's band of merry murderers - and acting as spy to Dumbledore. All this is happening as Malfoy, who looks like a band member of My Chemical Romance, is trying to get the Death Eaters into a magically fortified Hogwarts to kill Dumbledore.

All the while Emma loves Ron but Ron doesn't know it. So Ron dates some floozy and that pisses Emma off. Top that off with a heaping helping of Harry falling for Ron's sister, Ginny Weasley, and you've got yourself a love cocktail that's fit for any soap opera.

Confused? Too much to follow? To its credit, the movie does a good job of making sure you aren't lost over the course of the 2.5+ hour movie.

So we get the buildup of what I've been told by my book-reading friends is the final arc. And the movie plays out like a buildup movie. The story progresses. We see newer darker sides of a lot of characters. We see a lot of ambiguities in characters that need (we hope) to be reconciled.

Ron's helmet was part of his "special needs" at Hogwarts.
I came out of the movie theater feeling the same way I did after the second Matrix movie - I understood this movie was a necessary transition to the end of the series, but the movie left me wanting more. More action, more wizardry, more excitement. Half-Blood Prince didn't quite feel like it was dragging, but it did feel much slower than the other movies.

Notice how I'm primarily focusing on the story of the movie. This is because you know the other aspects of the movie already. This is Potter, after all. It's like trying to dissect how different yearly batches of Madden '0X are from one another. It's what you've already come to expect from the series:

The supporting cast all play brilliantly around Daniel Radcliffe who plays a perfectly capable, though comparatively underwhelming, Harry Potter.
Everything else was superb. The music, the costumes, the setting, the visuals - you name it.

I believe that this movie, on it's own, is the weakest of all Harry Potter movies. That said, even a B-B+ Harry Potter movie is better than 90% else that Hollywood's been producing. It is a necessary (and fitting) transition movie for the series, and one I wholly recommend to anyone with even the slightest interest in the series.

Oh, and Snape kills Dumbledore.

9/10

TF2 videos

2009-07-16T11:20:00.005-04:00

It's of no surprise to anyone who reads this blog that I love Team Fortress. I really think there's something for everyone and, though not perfect, comes about as close as you're gonna get in the first person shooter realm.

There's just something about throwing around jars of piss that really resonates with me.

Anyway, in my zealotry, I find a ton of videos that range from the pretty amazing to the "meh". Lately a few of them have caught my eye. You can find them after the break.

Meet the Crashes. Think America's Funniest Home Videos meet TF2.

Girlfriend Fortress. Someone recorded their girlfriend playing TF2 for the first time to fairly hilarious results. I think this is actually pretty close to my first experience ("how come I can't shoot while I'm invisible?")

Watch more videos of TF2

The always fun Nom nom nom server played a pacman map to awesome results.

Someone modded a female scout class. It's not perfect, as you can see, but it's neat.

As advertised

2009-07-15T03:18:00.002-04:00

I'm not going to lie. As I write this, it's way past my bedtime because a friend of mine convinced me to see the midnight showing of the new Harry Potter. I really did enjoy the movie and will likely write about it in the very near future.

But as of right now, I'm barely able to string these thoughts together. Perhaps if I used duct tape to create some kind of giant idea tube...

So bear all this in mind when I tell you that the Helen Keller Simulator is making me laugh every time I return to the tab I have it open under.

See you tomorrow.

The best kind of trolling EVER

2009-07-14T01:23:00.005-04:00

I believe that comedy is one of the most difficulty things to master. Everyone has different styles, tastes, backgrounds, predispositions etc etc etc that make us all the unique snowflakes that we are. So it follows that no two senses of humor are the same.

I've written essays and papers on this subject, most recently in my MBA application process. Comedy is something I'm passionate about. Why? Because I also believe there's no greater emotional high than when people share a good laugh together.

So how does this relate to trolling? The below video is of a guy who goes into webcam chatrooms in a bear suits and simply dances around. It's absurd and ridiculous - not demeaning or infuriating like most trolling is - and you can't help but laugh, not at, but with this guy. It's simply sublime.

An Arcade Fit For a King (Of Pop)

2009-07-13T01:34:00.007-04:00

Ever wonder how Michael Jackson used to relax after a long day of... doing whatever it is he did? Well, when not allegedly doing anything illegal, that is? His highness had an arcade that was rather bitchin'.

The below link is a set of 360 degree panoramic photos to what MJ's arcade might have looked like. Though these pictures were not taken at the Neverland Ranch, all the machines and decorations and life-size Star Wars everything were all very much his. He even has a Zoltar fortune telling machine from the movie Big!

Forget his accomplishments, I have a new found respect for this man - on some level, at least, he was a geek at heart. It's good to be king.

http://www.pinsane.com/pinorama/events/MJ_09/kr/michael_jackson_arcade_entry.html

WAKE UP, DAMN IT!

2009-07-10T13:23:00.004-04:00

I myself am a heavy sleeper. The rapture could be happening outside of my house and it won't cause me so much as a stir. That said, my body knows when it's time to be receptive to the sounds of the several alarm clocks I've stashed up around my room. I don't need an alarm clock like this.

What this alarm clock lacks in subtlty, it makes up for in whiplash.

(via TechEBlog)

Awesome retro media center

2009-07-08T10:20:00.002-04:00

A friend of mine from college recently cracked open his VCR and put in it's place a digital media center. As he puts it, it's old school technology meets new school technology. As I put it, it's undeniably awesome.

Bravo, dude. Pictures below.

Creepy vintage ads

2009-07-07T11:21:00.003-04:00

Some advertisements are witty. Some advertisements are unfortunately placed. Others are just downright creepy.

These 15 vintage advertisements have really not stood up well to the test of time. Enjoy!

http://www.retrocomedy.com/2009/07/15-creepiest-vintage-ads-of-all-time.html

Best review of a video game EVER

2009-07-06T09:46:00.002-04:00

My good friend Jaz (who, btw, is making a name for himself in the gaming journalism scene) sent this to me, and it is without a doubt the most creative video game review EVER. Destructoid reviews Mad Dog McCree Gunslinger - one of those cheesy, full motion video light gun-esque shooters for the Wii.

Only, they made it such a way that you yourself are playing a cheesy, full motion video light gun-esque shooters by using the magic of youtube links. Fail, and you have to start over (or at least rewind the video a bit). Absolutely brilliant.

You can put lipstick on a pig...

2009-07-03T00:01:00.000-04:00

One site is dedicated to making bad fast food (essentially, all of it) and make it look good. Like, 4 star restaurant good. So good that I want to go to the respective fast food joints and demand they serve it to me like the photo.

I'm talking, of course, of Fancy Fast Food. As their description puts it:

These photographs show extreme makeovers of actual fast food items purchased at popular fast food restaurants. No additional ingredients have been added except for an occasional simple garnish.

They're working sorcery over at this site. I mean, could you ever imagine, in your wildest dreams, that White Castle could ever look this appealing?

Or that Taco Bell would be this enticing?

The best part of all of this is that there are recipies to recreate all of what is seen. Give this guy a show on the Food Network already!

TF2 HEAVY SELLS KABOOM

2009-07-02T08:26:00.003-04:00

I swear, Billy Mays' infomercials should just live on indefinitely and be dubbed over by other people, be they celebreties or other recognized characters. Take this video of the TF2 heavy selling Kaboom for example. It's one part memorial, one part entertainment, one part informercial.

It's memfotainment and it's freaking hilarious.

YARRRRRRRRrr

2009-07-01T09:33:00.002-04:00

In what is pretty old new by internet standards, Pirate Bay is in the process of being bought out by Global Gaming Factory X (GGF), in an attempt to make the site's dealings legal and profitable. Pirate Bay is currently the largest hub for torrents, which allow people to share quickly and easily any digital content - including illegal, unpaid for, copies - with one another.

While I can understand the current site owners' desire to sell the site (they are currently, to much surprise, facing increasing legal issues from their native government, Sweden), this deal makes almost no sense from GGF's perspective. GGF touts that they'll implement a new business model that will justify the $7.7 million they're spending on this.

I strongly believe it's going to fail.

First off, if you're talking money, already the business model is more complex than The Pirate Bay's (TBP) current one. You've got legal issues, tax issues, ownership issues, digital rights issues, terms of service, etc etc etc. Even if there is no net cost to the user, this is still inconveniences and legal hurdles that have to be contended with by GGF's and its users.

TPB's current model has none of that - you simply use their site. Once TBP goes, I predict several clone sites will sprout up, offering the same ease and simplicity that TBP did. Which do you think users would prefer?

And this does not address the money issue. While I don't know if GGF's business model will require its users to pay out of their pocket (or be subsidized, say, via advertisements), if there is any cost to its users, already GGF is already behind. People who are looking for free content are going to continue to find free content, and this move will only cause them to look elsewhere. The torrents themselves, which are distributed in nature, are going to still be available. TPB only listed the torrents' statistics.

But perhaps I'm wrong. Perhaps GGF does have some kind of mystery model that costs nothing to its users, keeps things simple, and somehow offers more value to its customers than the current model does. Perhaps they can work digital alchemy and produce something from nothing.

I'll believe it when I see it. Best of luck, Pirate Bay.

Awesome trick shot video is awesome

2009-06-30T00:38:00.003-04:00

Basketball was one of my favorite sports growing up. I'd spend hours upon hours shooting hoops on my hugely uneven driveway. Depending on the side of the driveway, you'd be up or down a foot in elevation. But I didn't care - when I had a basketball in my hands, life was good.

No matter how much I would ever practice, I don't think I could ever hope to be as good as this guy. Bruce Manley shows off some trick shots that border on the supernatural. I can't imagine how much time was spent practicing and putting together this footage.

The Unwind, on vacation

2009-06-29T00:01:00.001-04:00

If you can read this, then you already know. I'm on vacation, and likely will be wrapping up my trip to Cape Cod by the time this gets posted.

I don't have anything to say, and really haven't the time to peruse the internets with distractions and wonders of the entertaining variety. So you'll have to make due with the following haiku:

Google Image Search:
"Vacation". Turned up creepy
muscle man. Honk! Honk!

You Laugh, You Lose (At Life)

2009-06-26T00:01:00.000-04:00

This is wrong. But I'll be damned if it didn't make me laugh.

It's a little known history fact that Hitler was actually a very promising singer when he was a young Austrian boy. His soulful style and delivery were well ahead of his time. It's unfortunate, then, that he gave up that career so early in life to go on and be a car salesman. He was a car salesman, right? I never paid attention in history class...

Anyway, at one of the dealership conventions, he was picked to entertain the crowd. Deciding to test the old pipes, he delivered a tune so moving, historians decided to put it up on YouTube for preservation:

Do A Barrel... Monster?

2009-06-25T00:01:00.000-04:00

I'm convinced the South has no sense of humor.

In what has to be one of the best college pranks ever, some a college student and a construction worker in North Carolina decided to chop up three traffic barrels to make a "Barrel Monster". This is one awesome monstrosity:

Of course, the state wasn't too happy about the destruction of their property. But instead of having a sense of humor about all of this and just making the two pay the $365 for new cones, the state of North Carolina arrested them for vandalism. Come on, NC... even the company that makes the cones is asking the charges be dropped.

(via MSNBC)

Burger King to offer a new sexual value menu?

2009-06-23T23:57:00.004-04:00

It's an adage touted by marketers and car salesmen alike: sex sells. And while this is generally true, Burger King decided to be the exception to the rule.

This advert for the Burger King Super Seven Incher is just wrong. The innuendo in and of itselt isn't the issue. It's that BK's food makes me feel fat and greasy - not sexy. It's trying to combine my sex and hunger drives in a way that causes an internal riot. Also, TOO MUCH MAYO.

And I can't help but keep imagining the King watching this woman deepthroat the sub. Always, always watching with his cold, soulless eyes.

Star Trek on Acid

2009-06-23T00:01:00.000-04:00

I had always suspected that the cast of Star Trek was doing some kind of hallucinogen when they did half the crazy stunts they pulled. Heck, I'm pretty sure they just invented some laws of physics. You know, Picard's first law of plot holery or something like that.

This video represents what I believe is the Enterprise's "down time". Enjoy!

At least you're not this guy...

2009-06-21T23:42:00.004-04:00

You ever walk around in a city somewhere and you see someone dressed incredibly outrageous? To a point where you're not quite sure, but you think they're either setting a trend or mentally retarded? 9 times out of 10 you're looking at a hipster*, and chances are they're both.

Don't have access to local hipsters? Then check out Look at This Fucking Hipster. It's a great site that basically points out a lot of ridiculous bs that youngsters try to pull to be "cool".

I probably shouldn't point and laugh as much as I do. Don't get me wrong, it's funny, it's just we did this kind of crap when I was in college, too. There just wasn't a website to chronicle it all (heck, Facebook had just come out).

*A hipster, according to Wiktionary, is defined as:

a person who is interested in the latest trends or fashions
a member of Bohemian counterculture
an aficionado of jazz who considers himself to be hip

Also, this guy:

A Cappella Makes Anything Better

2009-06-19T07:17:00.003-04:00

I'm going to let you in behind the curtain a little bit. I hate posting back-to-back YouTube videos on The Unwind, especially when said videos are the crux of the post. This is because I really feel like I starve the writer in me. Practicing my writing and expressing my own ideas was half the reason I started this blog.

That said, I can't ignore the awesomeness that is "On a Boat" done a cappella. A bunch of plucky youngsters from UC Santa Cruz sought to take one of the more ridiculous (and hysterical) SNL music videos, and totally take it up a few notches. These kids don't even need a boat to rock like they're on one.

Consider your day made.

Today is Unintentional Homoerotic Euphemism Day

2009-06-18T00:10:00.003-04:00

Yes, today is Unintentional Homoerotic Euphemism Day. You didn't know? Better get on the horn, reach out to a friend and get an earful of hot, sweaty knowledge because it is.

To celebrate Unintentional Homoerotic Euphemism Day I present to you "Carrot Highway", a unintentionally hilarious kids video all about one of nature's most phallic vegetables. I wonder if this was a low point in the careers of our hosts "NIGEL!", "CASSIDY!", and "Tom Gorman". As a bonus, after the video's sanity-eroding song you're treated to a monologue by an animated carrot cowboy.

I can't believe I just typed that last sentence.

Ramblings of a late man

2009-06-17T13:27:00.002-04:00

What first started as a self-imposed deadline to write on this blog has, much later, developed into a habit. I have a predisposition to not break habits, both to my benefit and detriment, so I'm moderately upset I couldn't get to this as normal. Sadly, events have conspired to make this update late - some legit, some the direct result of TF2's awesomeness when shared with friends.

First, the shameless plug stuff:

There's been a new Fair Use Law episode up for a few days now. If you haven't already done so, check it out. You'll hear my voice. We have that kind of technology now!
Steadily doing more work for Top Cultured. Some new Who Ya Got articles are up (Urkel vs. Screech, Jolly Green Giant vs. Stay Puft Marshmallow Man), and I have a few others currently in the works. I'll sound the alarms once published.

Returning to TF2, it's taken the lion's share of my video game time once again. There's just something about the new release that has really drawn me back. Whether it's the new maps, the seventy billion tweaks Valve's made to really balance the game, the fun new unlockables, or the multitude of flammable flammable spies running around, I'm hooked again.

The only disappointment with the new unlockables is the Dead Ringer. I love it's concept and I want to use it - you get a non-lethal hit and you instantly cloak, with your opponent thinking he actually killed you. What's I think is missing is a way for the Spy to cloak without taking damage. Even if it's super gimped, and drains 2x as fast as when not taking damage, it would greatly improve the item's usefulness. As is, the Dead Ringer leaves the spy no way of infiltrating enemy lines except acting like an obvious spy.

This scan-and-color pen is ridiculously cool. You have it touch a color you want to replicate, and it mixes the different inks it has to then write in that color. Is there a photoshop equivalent of this? I don't know, being a digital art novice, but I would really enjoy something like this when making my shoops.

And lastly this video, as the name implies, does not stop being funny - even after 100 viewings!

Regularly scheduled updates to follow!

...

2009-06-16T00:01:00.001-04:00

Leonard Nimoy's Seaman Is All Over This Post

2009-06-15T02:59:00.004-04:00

For those of you who don't (or won't) remember a time when Sega was still in the video game console business, the Dreamcast was a college student's dream. It was well ahead of its time in terms of graphics and hardware, a fairly good library of games to choose from, and cool little virtual memory units that acted like little Game Boys. I still have fond memories of my machine.
One "game", quotes indicating a loose application of the term, that really stood out was called Seaman. Essentially a pet simulator gone wrong, you have to hatch, raise and care for you half-man, half-fish abomination.

Caution: Your mind's about to be blown
And while the premise itself was fairly intriguing, how you interacted with your sin against God was particularly awesome: a microphone. Yes, packaged with every Seaman game was a microphone attachment you would use to literally give your Seaman commands. The controller was used primarily to drop food into the tank and to tap the glass, but once you had Seaman's attention it was all voice commanded.

The freakiest thing is, after a while, it started to talk back to you. And have emotions and feelings and hopes and dreams. At least I think so, I never played it long enough to watch it graduate from Seaman college. Come to think of it, Seaman college may not even be real. But they did develop personalities.

Mine were always bastards.

The challenge of the game was that you really had no idea what you needed to do to evolve and raise these Seaman. You had a microphone and a tank. To help you with this was narration by, no lie, Leonard Freaking Nimoy. His soothing voice overs are seconded only by Morgan Freeman's, and they were like the rich, chewy exterior in the caramel apple that is this game. My only wish was that he had more narration, if only to tell me what to do with the tank. I really had no clue most of the time.

To give you an idea of the gameplay:

I'm not a fan of any kind of simulator genre, particularly because I like to escape reality with my video games. If I wanted to learn a flight simulator, I'd rather learn to fly. If I wanted to tend a virtual pet, I'd just get a real pet. But Seaman was novel enough for me to overcome, and I'm really glad I did. Seaman is an interesting experience, one I wholly recommend to anyone who can find and assemble the necessary Dreamcast equipment to play it (particularly the microphone).

Just don't raise your Seamen to be bastards.

Post-its are the Twitter of the analog world

2009-06-12T03:46:00.004-04:00

I'm a huge fan of well-made, creative stop motion. It's no secret. And if it was, I just ruined it. Are you happy now?

No? Well, this video probably will make you so. It's called "Deadline", and it uses post-it notes to create pixel-esque animation. This is one of the most ingenious, most clever videos I've seen in a while, complete with a really catchy Royksopp track (that I'm unfamiliar with, but is awesome anyway). Enjoy!

Amazing find of the week: LyricWiki.org

2009-06-11T01:04:00.004-04:00

The internet is a strange and wondrous place. And every so often, you find something truly useful.

LyricWiki is, as the name implies, a lyrics-based Wiki. True, lyric websites are hardly revolutionary, but this one stands out among the rest.

The sheer amount of lyrics that can be found in one place is staggering. I have yet to stump this site - every song I've look for lyrics for has been there. And it's all organized incredibly well - by song title, artist, album, genre, hometown, label, or language. Why you'd even bother with some of those options is beyond me, but it's all there.

I spent a lot of time browsing for artists, and when I happened upon one I'm met with a clear, clean discography of which I can choose any song and see the lyrics of. I'd like to think something like this wouldn't get me excited, but compared to a lot of other lyrics sites, this is simply more streamlined.

Which brings me to my next point, this site's execution is far away one of the best I've seen for a lyrics website. Granted, it has the look and feel of your out-of-the-box wiki, but approach works for so many other websites (read: Wikipedia), they did good to leverage it. Also, ads aren't littering your screen and hurting your eyes. So, you know, yes to Shinedown lyrics; no to "click here and win a free iPod".

The only small frustration I have is the search engine the site is using. While I've gotten spoiled by Wikipedia's awesome "here's your article/disambiguation page" search, this runs a google varient that always returns way more info than you need. A minor annoyance, but well worth tolerating for the rest of the benefits this site has to offer. For best results, search both the artist and a song title.

It's certainly the site I'm using from now on. I recommend you check it out for yourself.

Not Down

2009-06-09T10:05:00.003-04:00

Oh god, not more Jehova's Witnesses!

I'm a sucker for just about everything that Dreamworks or Pixar puts out. I know they're geared towards a younger audience, but these movies have plenty of entertainment for adults. I also will probably never outgrow my love of cartoons.

A recent trend in these movies is to make them 3D, which really adds to the movies and all but guarantees that I'll go see whatever it is they put out. Seriously, if they put 2 girls 1 cup in 3D, you know I'd go see it. I'd regret that decision, sure, but I'll have already bought the ticket and want to stick around to get my money's worth.

So Disney/Pixar's (Dixar?) latest incarnation, Up, is about a man trying so hard to keep a promise to his wife. We first see the two in their childhood meeting up in an abandoned house, find out they share the same spirit of adventure, and are then treated to a 5 minute montage of their lives together, culminating in Ellie's (the wife's) death. Their dream was to live at Paradise Falls, so Carl - the old main character - in a incredible disregard for building code, attaches a ton of balloons to the house and flies off.

This movie was funny, and Ed Anser was amazing as the crotchety old man. I must confess, one of my favorite TV shows growing up was Freakazoid, and every time the old man was on the screen, I kept imagining Cosgrove. The other characters played off him incredibly well, including a naive boy scout, a large rare bird, Carl's childhood-hero-turned-rival, and an army of talking dogs.

I was taken aback, actually, at the amount of emotion that was inherent in this Pixar movie - there were times where you couldn't help but feel sad. This movie brought my girlfriend to tears on more than one occasion.

The 3D aspect of the movie never really jumped out at me. This means it was either done poorly, or so well that I wasn't noticing the 3D details. Given Pixar's reputation I'm inclined to think the latter, but that's the ironic thing about details - do them well and no one notices. I'll have to watch it in non-3D (likely when the DVD comes out) for comparison.

Verdict: See it in theaters

Every class is different

2009-06-08T00:55:00.003-04:00

Have kids? Love TF2? Do you want to read your kids a bedtime story AND teach them about TF2 all at the same time? Or maybe you didn't like this awkward, rapid-fire question set-up and would just like to see a hilariously well done TF2 video?

It's "Every class is different" - a TF2 children's book, as read by the Spy.

So India and Japan walk into a bar...

2009-06-05T00:08:00.004-04:00

Ok, stop me if you've heard this one before...

So India and Japan were talking one day, and India was feeling a little self-conscious. Japan asked what was getting it down. India replied, "You know, being me is great and all, but you've got such an awesome reputation for being batshit crazy. I wish I could be as bizarre as you."

Japan, both touched at the compliment and moved by India's predicament, decides it wants to help its good friend India out. So, like any good friend, Japan gets India all liquored up. You know, to remove the inhibitions. Then Japan asks "Ok, India, you're primed to go crazy. What can you do really well?"

"Let's see, I've got a growing economy, rich culture and the largest population of any country." India said in a proud, drunken slur.

"Hmm... not much to go with there. What else?"

India paused for a minute, having gone over its main strengths already. After a moment of reflection, India asked, "Well, how about Bollywood?"

Japan's eyes widened. "Perfect! It's recognizable enough, yet it hasn't really been used to do anything weird, perverted, crazy or just insane previously. How about... a condom commercial?"

And thus, the epic Bollywood condom commercial was born. You can see the fruits of their labor embedded below.

I warn you now that this video NSFW for dancing condoms, drawings of penises, and a general assault on your sanity.

The coolest toy I never got to play with as a child

2009-06-04T08:10:00.003-04:00

When I see something like this, I get pissed. Pissed, not because of what it is or what it represents. But pissed because I didn't get to play with stuff this cool when I was young. It's a Pez dispenser that's also a toy gun. It shoots delicious, delicious Pez. How freaking cool is that?

These were taken off the market because, apparently, having kids stick a gun in their mouths and pull the trigger is a no-no.

TF2 Sniper Practical Joke

2009-06-03T01:03:00.004-04:00

Apparently, someone's been messing with BLU's ammo cabinet.
(for a higher-res version, click on the below image)

We've all been there...

2009-06-02T10:45:00.002-04:00

This is the most epic of theoreticals wins. I say theoretical, because the below is a step-by-step guide on how to win over a girl that you're friends with, but she's seeing someone else. To collapse it's singularity into the "win" state, you need to act these out on your own.

Not recommended fellas, especially if you already have that special lady in your life. But I will say, this guide worked for me to great effect. It's how I met my current girlfriend (no it isn't).

http://batteriesfeelincluded.blogspot.com/2009/05/309.html?commentPage=1

Flipping Out (literally)

2009-06-01T02:25:00.003-04:00

This video is by no means new, especially when held to the universal "internet time" standard (2 hour shelf life before it becomes old). I don't care. I'm going to start your week off right, with 2 scoops of awesomeness. If this video inspires you to be even a fraction as awesome as Damien Walters is, I guarantee you this'll be the best week of your life.

Now go forth, and be awesome.

Sniper/Spy Pack 2nd Impressions: Humble Pie

2009-05-29T00:49:00.004-04:00

I'm going to say it. I was wrong.

The more I play in it, the more I actually have come to love Valve's new unlock system. Not having the usual speedy access to those sweet, sweet unlockables was disappointing and in that disappointment I was blinded to the good aspects of it. Gone are the days of mindlessly grinding achievements, all you have to do is enjoy the game you already do.

Where I think Valve messed up in this transition of systems, is they should have implemented the trading system promised, or made it so we wouldn't get duplicates immediately. It's frustrating that I've been playing the game for a good long while now and only have the Ambassador to show for it.

I go through cycles - binges, if you will - of Arena. I love Arena. It's like the cool, older-brother of Counterstrike. But, like Counterstrike, I have to be in the mood for it. The one time I played Nucleus, I didn't form opinions of it for good or for bad. I look forward to putting the new maps through the paces... once I feel like getting around to it.

What I can't stop playing right now is the payload race map, Pipeline. This is everything I wanted in my map and more. Attack/defend maps are one thing, but I've always enjoyed 2 teams vying for the same objective: CTF, Hydro, and traditional CP maps. This frantic style of play forces each team to both mind their defences as well as take the offense. The key to victory in these usually isn't in skill levels or in any one given strategy, but the fluidity in which a team adjusts to the situation.

Why I'm swooning hardcore over this map, though, is the changes in strategy the further you progress your cart. In two stages, the further you've pushed the cart, the closer to the enemy base it is. Last ditch pushes at the end are always exciting for both the attackers and defenders, because usually towards the end the cart has to go up only a small hill to win.

And in the final stage, it's a mad push up adjacent roller-coaster-esque tracks. This is the fun part, because these tracks are unforgiving: if not actively pushing the cart, the cart rolls back downhill, near where it started. Also adding to the frustration is the narrowness of the track - if you fall off, or are pushed off, you go back to the ground floor. Did I mention that the two tracks are within shooting distance of one another? Theoretically, both teams could have a firefight with one another while pushing their respective cart. Insane.

Now just let me have those other unlockables...

Breaking News: "Internet Trolls" are among us

2009-05-28T01:13:00.006-04:00

Clever meta-troll, or hilariously behind the times piece on trolls? YOU DECIDE.

The Kadir-Buxton method, kung-fu for the soul

2009-05-27T01:16:00.008-04:00

Over the years, man's grasp of medicine has evolved and grown. We've gone from the four humours, to the great accident penicillin, to many new and exciting technologies and drugs. I have no idea what exactly those new things are, I'm not a real doctor (no matter what I may tell you in person). Point is, when I meet someone who is a doctor I trust these people - who spent the better part of their lives studying this kind of thing - know what they're doing.

Why am I bringing this up? Because some dude claims that he has the cure/answer for, like, almost everything in this world. Mental illness, female orgasms, fertility, Alzheimer's, cheap electricity, making people forget things, an alternative to sex, and a lot of other stuff that I couldn't be bothered to read after about 30 minutes of reading.

His method? You get struck somewhere on your body. No joke. This guy strikes you:

This is the real life Dr. Nick
This is the developer of the Kadir-Buxton method. His site, which purports all of this medical alchemy, can be found at:

http://www.kadir-buxton.com/index.htm

I was hoping this site would have links to YouTube videos of his method at work, because I need to see it in action to believe it. No, wait, I just need to see it in action for entertainment purposes.

I have to give credit where it's due, though. This method did have the side effect of having the balls to claim all of this stuff. Admittedly, his site is a pretty good read. But I warn you, the idiocy of it is so thick you'll need to stop and surface for air after a while.

Shotgun Content 8: Shameless self-promotion edition

2009-05-26T01:06:00.003-04:00

Me, me, me, me! It's all about me.
On this blog, at least....

I'm writing now on another site, Top Cultured. I've even got me a new-fangled feature, entitled "Who Ya Got?", where I pit fictional characters and whatnot against one another in a theoretical fight. My writing there won't replace anything I do here, it's just another side project I'm working on.

As always, I strive for a good read. Go check it out and let me know what you think!
Another episode of the Fair Use Law (ep 202) has been released and is available for your listening pleasure.

What's relevant about it is that starting with last week's episode, we had moved to a new hosting server. If you were listening to the podcast using the embedded players on the FUL website, you've likely already made the switch. If you were subscribed via iTunes, there's a new feed. You'll need to re-subscribe to us using this link:

Sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused. I promise you we're being as inane as ever on the new hosting server (podbean).
Though hardly breaking news, particularly given the speed of the internet, the TF2 Spy and Sniper packs were released last Thursday. To much of the community's disappointment, earning the new unlockables were no longer tied to the new achievements, but rather released randomly over time. Though I'm unsure if this has been fixed, anecdotal reports indicate that these unlock events would even give you stuff you've already unlocked previously.

I don't like this new direction. Obviously, the lion's share of the fun of these packs are the unlockables. They radically change the way we play a given class. The precedent had been set that if you actively farm for 2 or so hours, you'd likely do enough to earn all of a class' unlockables. Not too huge of a time commitment, given the reward. In this new system, it wasn't uncommon for people to sink in 5+ hours and come away empty handed.

I get why they changed the unlock system. It helps newer players get access to unlockable stuff without having to grind out achievements. This lets them just *play* the game (a novel idea). But Valve's implementation of it was less than Valve-perfect and they frustrated a lot of veterans in the process.
Lastly: http://www.laserportraits.net/ LOL

Gamer

2009-05-22T00:01:00.000-04:00

Thanks to the very awesome Scott Ramsoomair (via his recent tweet), I was turned onto Gamer, a movie coming out later this year.

I don't care if it ultimately sucks, it looks like awesome campy fun. Think Running Man meets Halo. And honestly, who wouldn't want to play a video game where you get to control a live person in armed combat? Ok, maybe not an actual person, but imagine if we had that level of detail and control with our next gen video games?

Also, Michael C. Hall is in it, and he looks to be the type of sadistic, murderous control freak persona he's perfected in Dexter. Only this time, he's the bad guy. That alone should be worth the price of admission (or at least a rental).

Trailer!

DAMN YOU, JAPAN!

2009-05-21T00:54:00.004-04:00

Good job, Japan. You've outdone even yourself. Give them credit, they are incredibly efficient at making brain synapses start moshing against one another and then shut off completely.

This hopefully Japanese exclusive WiiWare game is all about... well, I don't know exactly. You'll have to draw your own conclusions with the below video. It's full of OH GOD MY EYES!

"Unnecessary" Quotes

2009-05-20T01:42:00.003-04:00

Have you ever "seen" a sign or flyer that just had unnecessary "quotation marks" littering its copy? You're not really "sure" you know what they're trying to "say", correct? Well, one "blog" has "decided" to "round up" and "archive" such "things". It's the Unnecessary Quotes blog and can be "found" at:

http://www.unnecessaryquotes.com/

It's a great read that really makes you think twice about some of the signs you glance over everyday. Now that I'm on the lookout for them, I'm looking forward to striking up an interesting conversation at one local Dunkin' Donuts notorious for this kind of thing.

- Via "Dan" of "Travelling Munchies" fame.

Lost in Translation: Taken

2009-05-19T00:00:00.000-04:00

Back in the day, a few friends of mine discovered the joy that is Babelfish. Specifically, translating things into Japanese and back again. I've decided to apply this alchemy to short(er) reviews of movies and/or games, to give my opinions that extra bit of perspective. As you can see below, something gets lost in translation.

I've edited the below review of Taken, only in that replaced the untranslatable kanji to what my original intentions were in the words surrounded by brackets.

what?

[Liam] Neeson is the government staff whom you make retire from section of thing which kicks the donkey. With this movie, as for him him the fact that relationship with that daughter who ignored these years entirely as a agency is repaired is tried. That daughter goes to Paris, being taken that it presumes, can. As for remainder of movie " Is put Waldo compared to [Liam] which tries the fact that daughter the way eagerly is found is included; Where' s Waldo? " Book. With that wake as for him kills with progressively new, interesting method the road to be the corpse who is left. Finally, that daughter of discovery of [Liam] and after that directly you have lived happily.

I enjoyed this movie really. That undecided state, the fight scene, had the pursuit and espionage activities of the car. Basic the bone series isn' Think of that it meets to the [Harrison Ford] movie; The Star Wars or Indiana Jones of t.

Surprise Spy update!

2009-05-18T00:00:00.000-04:00

Valve, in true creative fashion, dropped the bomb that the upcoming Sniper pack soon to be released is instead a Spy pack. Turns out the Sniper really was a Spy. With the news, we get word of two new unlockables, the Dead Ringer and the Cloak and Dagger.

With the Dead Ringer equipped, when you take a non-lethal shot, you immediately cloak for up to 8 seconds and leave a corpse behind. The amount of confusion and insanity this thing can leave is going to be nuts. Now, even when you identify and shoot at a Spy, you can't be so sure you actually killed him, leaving you even more paranoid and confused. On a server with friendly fire on, this is going to be absolute mayhem.

The Cloak and Dagger is a new cloaking device that will allow you to be cloaked indefinitely provided you aren't moving. In fact, that's the only way the device will recharge, is to stand still. It's a trade-off, but a fair one - it's a better cloaking device, but if you want it to recharge, you have to effectively take yourself out of the game for a few seconds.

And not only did Valve see fit to surprise-release a pack for my favorite class, but they also put out a new "Meet The" video, "Meet the Spy". It's hilarious, fitting, and embedded just below this sentence.

If I didn't know any better, I'd say Valve was trying to get into my pants. I can't wait for the Spy update.

Patrick Stewart Appreciation Day

2009-05-15T01:24:00.004-04:00

I don't think I can sum it up any better than my friend: Patrick Stewart is an American hero that just happened to be born and lives overseas. Don't believe him? Take a look at this old bit he did for the Conan O'Brien show and you tell me otherwise.

Shotgun Content 7

2009-05-14T01:23:00.004-04:00

Click, click, pull:

Lately, the Konami Code has been sweeping the internet. Several sites now have Easter eggs and/or additional functionality built into them simply by entering the Konami code into them. There's a whole list of them over at http://www.konamicodesites.com/

I would love to be able to Konami Code-enable something here on The Unwind, but I don't know what, and don't immediately have the programming expertise to do it. I can work on the coding, any suggestions on what that Easter egg should be, readers?
Random thought: How can successful emo bands still be all Angsty McLiveJournal after they've hit it big? If I were them, I'd go all Scrooge McDuck swimming in my large sums of money and when I'm bored with that have sex until I pass out with any number of beautiful women throwing themselves at me. Simply because I could. How are they not all sunshine and puppies at this point?
TF2 64. It needs to be done.
I did a few photoshops for Cracked.com, but never strung enough together to make any coherent theme of it here. Soooo, here:

Theme: Famous Pictures Without Pants

Theme: If Microsoft Ruled the World

PSA: Time is a resource

2009-05-13T08:51:00.005-04:00

I sometimes believe the internet can read my mind. Don't believe me? Well, I had been thinking to myself recently that, while an excellent source of entertainment, video games really don't do much else for you. And wouldn't you know it, the same day I find this excellent article over at Pixelated Geek. They put my thoughts into words likely better than I could.

This has nothing to do with the article, but I found it on Pixelated Geek and lol'd.
To sum up: time spent playing video games is time lost doing anything else. This is something that I think some avid gamers forget from time to time.

Oh sure, arguments be made that video games increase your hand/eye coordination, or that organizing a WoW raid is an exercise in project management. But other than other gamers, who else is going to understand this? More importantly everyone has goals in life, and most of them don't involve video games (get an education/job/spouse, raise a family, travel more, lose weight, etc.). Video games advance none of these goals.

I'm not knocking video games in any way - I love them - but I don't recommend anyone play them at the expense of other aspects of their lives.

Awkward Family Photos

2009-05-12T08:06:00.004-04:00

This is an idea that I hate myself for for not thinking of sooner.

You ever take a picture, only to realize after the fact that it's horrible? Multiple driver's licenses I've seen and owned can attest to this fact. Best case scenario, it's something you can laugh off with your friends. Worst case scenario, you make people recoil like watching the Elaine dance.

But what if you take the time to get your family together, get all dressed up, and have your picture taken by someone who at least knew how to operate a high-end camera (not just point-and-shoot)? What if the picture then turned out horrible? Likely, you'd be featured on Awkward Family Photos:

http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/

It's a site dedicated to capturing and sharing all awkward family photos, mostly to hilarious results. Started about a month ago, it updates very frequently (apparently, there's no shortage of these photos).

Truly the internet is a magical place.

News, sans the LOLcats

2009-05-11T09:03:00.005-04:00

When I typically go to look for the day's daily events, I find myself on content aggregators such as Reddit or (if particularly masochistic) Digg. As I find myself pretty in tune with the communities on those sites, they serve as a great proxy to the news and goings on of things I'm interested in.

THIS turned up on the first page of a Google Image Search for "news". If it wasn't done by a 5 year old, I'm sad for humanity.
To be sure, there are a lot of great news articles on these sites that relay the important events that are happening in our world. But for every serious article about the economy, I get yet another conspiracy theory around 9/11. For every article about peace talks in the middle east, another professes their unnatural love of Ron Paul. For every death of someone who has shaped and improved our lives in some way, a LOLcat image.

What if I just want the wide-reaching benefits of an aggregation site, focused on actual news of the day written by respected journalists? Well, there's no site that perfectly does this yet. But I am glad I stumbled upon Rayogram's newspaper aggregator.

http://www.rayogram.com/news/

What it is, is a service that takes the front pages of every major newspaper from around the world and puts them on this site. Updated daily*. We're talking most of the major US newspapers, several smaller market US newspapers (Hellloooo, The Oregonian), a few British newspapers, and some Middle East newspapers, all at a glance.

You won't get to read the articles themselves - the font is too small - but you get to see what's pressing in the day's events. Perfect to then take to my regular news haunts (Reddit, Digg) and see if I can pick out articles explaining the situations further.

Equally interesting is to see what's important to whom. The main headline for today's Guardian, for example, is about the possible dissolving of Parliament. Chicago? They're more concerned about any sleeping issues you might have. The WSJ says the world's markets are getting back into the trading game, while Detroit's paper felt the urge to assault me with color.

Something for everyone! Go check it out, it's interesting, at very least.

*DISCLAIMER: When it's actually working. Some days have been a little dodgy, but as of the writing of this post, the day's news are accurately updated.

TF2 Scout is a Surprisingly Effective Salesman

2009-05-08T01:04:00.004-04:00

The title really says it all. He's finally sold me on a Slap Chop.

Review: Knowing

2009-05-07T08:43:00.003-04:00

As usual, I'll try my best not to spoil anything here for you. But given that the entire plot was given during commercials/previews, and people's natural resistance to watch anything with Nicholas Cage in it (except maybe pachinko machines), if I slip up I'm not going to get too worried about it here. So if you're Nicholas Cage and I'm spoiling the movie for you: sorry.

Like I said, the movie's plot was given to you in the commercials: Nicholas Cage and son get some set of random numbers which predict a lot of disasters and eventually the end of the world, and they've got to figure out what to do about it. The interesting thing here is this kind of parallels how the movie went. Once Cage figures out the numbers are a warning, he too understands the world's going to end. He knows he can't change it, he just has to deal with the inevitable. It's a suspense thriller that takes some outlandish, yet believable turns.

SPOILER ALERT: This movie wasn't terrible.

While I'm trying not to spoil anything, the "ok, the world's going to end. What now?" question that went through both the audience's and Cage's head was really believable and played out to create the right amount of tension.

A few things of note:

This movie takes place on a planet where bad parenting is the norm. Cage is a single parent father who apparently needs to get good and sauced to watch the news. In a span of a few days, I saw enough emptied hard liquor bottles to put some frat houses to shame. Also, Cage meets up with a woman, herself another single parent, as they try to understand what's going on. In the course of investigating, the two leave their kids in the car for long stretches of time out in the woods when they know (spoiler alert) something or someone has been targeting their kids.
The acting in this movie was in-line with expectations. I expected awkward, bumbling Nicolas Cage and I got awkward, bumbling Nicolas Cage. Thank God the plot was compelling enough to overlook this, and that some (though not all) of the supporting cast was pulling the slack.

Would I recommend this movie to others? Yes, but not to watch in a theater. There are a few blockbusters coming around the bend probably more worthy of your time and money. But make this a rental when it comes out, and I don't think you'd be disappointed.

U Can't Touch Mormon Jesus

2009-05-06T02:12:00.006-04:00

A friend of mine recently sent me a video that he said I needed to post on The Unwind. Giving his opinion the weight it deserves, I checked the recommended video "U Can't Touch Mormon Jesus". My reactions to the video were the following:

Viewing 1: What the shit is this?
Viewing 2: No way am I putting it on The Unwind.
Viewing 3: Why am I still watching it?
Viewing 4: Mormon Jesus' head bobbing is freaking awesome.
Viewing 5: "STOP! Mormon Time!"
Viewing 6: LOL.
Viewing 7: This is like a really good (or really bad) 80's Saturday morning cartoon.
Viewing 8: I wonder if Mormon Jesus can be summoned by the Planeteers.
Viewing 9: ...I think I need to pitch an idea to the Mormon Church (again).
Viewing 10: Oh God, why can't I get this out of my head?
Viewing 11: ALL HAIL MORMON JESUS, INVADER OF HEADS.

The bastard was right. I need to ~~inflict this upon the you, the reader~~ share with the masses. Behold! Mormon Jesus!

Full Throttle, the non-interactive version

2009-05-05T09:46:00.004-04:00

Back in its heyday, LucasArts made some damn fine video games - particularly of the adventure variety. They were the masterminds behind the Monkey Island series, Maniac Mansion, Day of the Tentacle, Grim Fandango, and my favorite: Full Throttle.

It's you're standard story of the biker-turned-hero, Ben, who has to clear the Polecats', his gang's, name after they are framed for the brutal murder of the president of the last remaining motorcycle company. The game, typical of all LucasArts games, had great humor, challenging puzzles, and interesting characters to really keep you interested.

Someone took the liberty of playing through the game and splicing it together into one long video for your enjoyment. Which is good, because now you don't have to spend hours ~~finding a stupid crucial lockpick you can barely see in a door that's SO not obvious~~ playing the game.

"Help me, Ben! You're my only hope!"

Uncomfortable plot summaries

2009-05-04T09:05:00.002-04:00

Extremely condensed movie plots, made as offensive and politically incorrect as possible:

http://www.postmodernbarney.com/2009/04/uncomfortable-plot-summaries/

Example: SOPHIE’S CHOICE: Mom loves one of her kids way more than the other one.

What better way to describe something, than in the format it itself uses? These reviews are pretty funny, and the list is actually pretty comprehensive. It's a good read, or if you'd ever like to describe a movie to a friend, this is the perfect way to do it.

It's the final countdown. Made awesomer.

2009-05-01T00:59:00.005-04:00

If they had to pick a winner of the "most awesome thing ever" contest right now, this guy would take the award. Not content with playing just one retarded instrument, this man combines 3 retarded instruments together to form one super-retarded instrument capable of inspiring awe and pity. But mostly awe. It's called a Kazookeylele. Loosely translated into English, it means "awesome".

Add to this he's playing Europe's "Final Countdown" and, well, this video is full of win.

Dangerous gaming peripherals are dangerous

2009-04-30T08:34:00.002-04:00

A friend of mine sent this article to me the other day, but I honestly forgot to post it. Gamespy did a great piece on 5 of the most dangerous gaming peripherals out there. What's bittersweet about this article is that I bet all of the ideas seemed like good ones at the time. "The time" of course, likely being happy hour and under the influence of enough tequila to give alcohol poisoning to an elephant.

They even have the PediSedate on this list!

http://www.gamespy.com/articles/974/974711p1.html

Awesome Alternative Business Models

2009-04-29T02:33:00.004-04:00

Do you like BBQ? How about foot massages? Are you tired of having to go to two separate places to get your BBQ and foot massages? Why am I asking all these questions? THIS:

I want this to be real so very very badly, but given the video and the general quality of their site, I'm guessing "Jones' Good Ass BBQ and Foot Massasge" isn't a legit business venture.

Capitalism, you've let me down for the last time...

Humanity's Foibles

2009-04-28T01:27:00.003-04:00

I love witnessing the human condition in it's raw, pure form. Like when all the airs we put on and the social norms we're conditioned to build come crashing down upon us. While we all try to be gentlemen or gentleladies, we sometimes go against this grain either accidentally or intentionally, naievely or maliciously. It is these moments that expose our flaws and vulnerabilities - an intrinsically human act. And honestly, that's just part of mankind's charm.

It's not everyday you get to witness these kinds of things first hand, but two sites that I've come across sure give you innumerable tiny glimpses:

FmyLife - A constantly updated database of anecdotes in which people are trying to display exactly how F'd their lives are. I can't tell you how many times I was crying laughing, and how many times my jaw was dropped reading some of these stories. Seriously, there should be an internet rule 34(b) - if you can think it, someone probably did it (or at least wrote a story about it on this site).
Texts from Last Night - A site where people send in random texts or short correspondance they've received/had. While FmyLife has the advantage of being coherent stories, this site captures messages originally intended for a more intimate audience - a friend, family member, or significant other. The content here is simply more raw and random, but intruiging nonetheless.

If I could ever be bothered to sit down and do it, I'd add these and a few other sites to that frakking recommended list on the right.

The US housing market crisis: A summary

2009-04-27T00:29:00.005-04:00

About a week ago, while perusing the oft-interesting and irrefutably-titled This is a Blog, a challenge was laid to take a current event and put it into humorous picture squares. Or comics. Whichever term you prefer.

The point is I did one. And since I've been brought up to believe that sharing is good, here's my take on one of the many underlying reasons why the US housing market has tanked (what started this whole horrible economic mess we're in today):

There's a zombie on your lawn

2009-04-24T01:35:00.003-04:00

Sometimes, I really hate my friends.

Case in point: a few of them turned me onto an upcoming PopCap game, Plants vs. Zombies. Or to be more specific, they turned me onto a music video for Plants vs. Zombies. From what I can tell in this video it's a "defend your castle" type game which I can only assume will be executed to near-perfection, given PopCap's reputation.

But I can't get the f'ing song from the music video out of my head. It's brilliant in that it's catchy enough for me to repeat it ad nauseum, yet ridiculous and funny enough for me to not go insane for having it stuck in my head.

You win this round, PopCap. Actually you've won every round so far, but still...

There's a zombie on your lawn...

Ubunchu

2009-04-23T10:05:00.003-04:00

I grew up in a town that had a church who was heavy into spreading the word of God. I'm all for religion (being Catholic myself) and spreading the message of one's religion, but their activities bordered on the cultish, particularly targeting teenagers. As such, they organized student events targeted at teenagers, hold regular fairs at their church - prominently displayed on a main road - and even once stood outside my middle school with clown suits and picket signs. They'd be handing out pamphlets and, no lie, comics to help get their message across to teenagers.

How is this anecdote relevant, rhetorical literary device I'm using to segue into my main point? Because there is a manga out that is trying to extol the benefits of Ubuntu, called Ubunchu. My keen cult senses and defenses I'd developed over the years aren't just tingling, they're going all Paul Revere "The British Are Coming!" in my system.

The sad thing is that I actually support Linux and Ubuntu in principle. True, they've yet to sway me from my familiar Windows operating systems, but they've come a long way and I likely will at least try it out with my next computer purchase. Just... don't do this again, ok Ubuntu community?

I'm honestly not sure if this manga is helping or hurting its cause. Either way it's an assault on your sanity. Go read it!

You can either visit the site, or jump right into the manga (like all mangas, the panels read right to left).

Alphabet soup and sandwich

2009-04-22T01:17:00.004-04:00

Do you like words? How about sandwiches? How about games that combine both words and sandwiches? If so, the aptly-titled "Word Sandwich" game is just for you!

http://www.wordsandwich.com/

It's a really addictive time-waster, in which you ~~furiously mash the keyboard in frustration~~ try to deduce 5 separate 5-letter words, one at a time, as quickly as possible. On each word, you take a guess and are told immediately if your guess was alphabetically higher or lower than the hidden word.

Each guess nets you less and less points until you run out of guesses (you have something to the tune of 25 guesses per word). However, if you take too much time between guesses, you lose your word multiplier.

Ironically, it's much easier to see in execution than it is to explain using words (or sandwiches). Check it out, but don't be surprised if you lose more time to it than anticipated.

Hypothetical Drinks

2009-04-21T01:44:00.003-04:00

At a random bar, a few friends and I decided to try to come up with hypothetical drinks that may or may not be good, but are hilarious. The below list are a mixture of a few that were tossed around and some I came up with.

For the record, everything on this list that won't outright kill me or contain illegal narcotics are drinks I want to try at some point.

Wily Wacker - Hypnotiq, Bombay Sapphire, Blue Raspberry Teeni. A variation of the Blue Bomber.
The Daft Punk - Vodka, Peach Schnapps, Orange Juice, Cranberry Juice and WD-40. It's basically a Sex On the Beach while adding the WD-40 robot cred. Something both men and women alike can enjoy.
The Terry Tate - Jagermeister, Jack Daniels, 151 rum. Mix anything with a .357 magnum (JD an 151) and the pain train's comin'.
Twilight - Sangria and Teen Angst. Best consumed in a Hot Topic.
Mario Brothers' Star - Limoncello and Cocaine. If this doesn't make you temporarily invincible, I don't know what will.
Taco Bell - Beefeater and Ex-Lax. Enough said.

Death Race Double Dash

2009-04-20T00:58:00.005-04:00

A while back, I put together the condensed version of the script of Death Race. Well, if you'd like it condensed even further, this 2 minute Youtube video does the job nicely. Only with less gruesome deaths and more appropriate (read: Mario Kart) sound effects.

This video comes courtesy of "Danger" Dan Robinson, who gives me yet another excuse to plug the Fair Use Law podcast (go listen to it!).

Have a seat...

2009-04-17T00:00:00.002-04:00

Ok, class. Who knows what's wrong with the following?

This is the PediSedate, a tool designed to distract and sedate children (with Nitrous or something similar) while they're distracted playing a gameboy. It's intended to be used for... I dunno, dentistry, maybe? Even then, why are you trying to engage the child's mind by having it focus on the game if you're trying to sedate them seems a little counter intuitive

I'm sure it won't be used inappropriately at all.

Via Gizmodo.